A Reader Submitted Question

Posted in   The MamaSutra   on  March 21, 2016 by  Lanae minutes remaining

previously published on my old Blogspot in 1/22/2011 (edited here)

 

Dear MamaSutra,

I was a late bloomer with women, so I’ve always concentrated on pleasing them so they don’t know I have no idea what I’m doing half the time. White chicks, god you guys are so easy to please… or so I think. The Asian and more conservative cultures, as liberal as the girls I’ve met may seem, they are still programmed to have some sort of shame or reservation. You can’t always trust your girlfriend to tell you the truth, especially when you’re still dating! …yes, I’m the best, yes, I’m oh so amazing… blah blah, but I really DO want to be that good and want to be better. With relationships, after being with someone for some time, you tend to pick up their procedures so sex can turn into a program… just lick here, click here, push there… done. Even with the passion and love and fairy dust, you have to admit that you can get yourself in a rut and all the creativity and mind/body/spirit stuff all leads to lick, click, push, done.

Here I am talking about stuff that I’m not sure you’re willing to respond…. how can I learn what’s necessary to be ‘better’ everyday?

-oh, guess you should know…. I’m not a player, game was never good enough, and don’t wish it to be, but I do want to have that amazing ever-lasting relationship. 🙂

~Horny Asian

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Dear Horny Asian,

Thank you for your question. You know, most people could do well to learn more about how to be “better” sexually every day. The biggest hurdle is asking, so kudos for that!

Give yourself a little credit. I think you are already on the right path if you are a “pleaser” when it comes to women. There are lots of women, that I hear from, who complain that their partner does not take the time to please them or to find out what they like.

What I have found most sexy – and I think many women would agree with me – is confidence and communication (which includes listening/hearing). Making sure to talk to your partner and pay attention to what they do or say is key. You are right that some women do have a hard time telling the truth when they are dating. That comes from lots of things, but none of that is your fault. Just make sure you are honest and open with her – inside and outside of the bedroom – and you will fare well.

Another tip you could try if you have been together for a while and feel like you have hit that “rut” and if you are both up for it is to masturbate together. It can be a great learning event for both of you. One thing to note, though… most women do not realize how much men would love to see them masturbate and may be very uncomfortable doing this very private thing in front of another person, let alone a boyfriend. You should make sure to do everything you can to make sure she is comfortable, say doing it in a place she normally does. Talk about it beforehand a bit. Ask her permission ahead of time if it would be okay should you feel so moved to join her and help her out manually or orally. There are lots of erogenous zones for a woman that love to be stimulated in this moment. However, do not be offended if she is not; She may not be up for it the first time but may warm up to the idea later.

Another thing to note: Some men think of orgasms as “one=done” since that is what happens to most men (Not true for all women) or other men are not aware that there are many different kinds of orgasms that a partner can have. Many women are capable of more than one orgasm. There are vaginal, clitoral, and g-spot orgasms for example. As a pleaser, you may already know this. If you were unsure before, I am here to tell you; you can continue to help her achieve one and then another, and another, and so on. A few women who have talked about their about encounters where this happens often cite an “unbelievable physical connection” with a lover who takes the time and effort to do this. Be aware too that there are women who have not yet experienced an orgasm. Being patient and supportive are two things you can do to help in that instance (let me know if this is an issue in your situation).

Your “lick, click, push, done” comment reminds me of another axiom. Men are like a microwave; Just push a button and they are on. Women, on the other hand, are like an oven; they need time to warm up (This is playing into stereotypes a bit). Yes, people do tend to get into a sexual pattern. The fact that you are interested in mixing it up in the bedroom would be interpreted by some women as exciting, other women may take it personally and think they are not “doing it” for you if you are bringing it up. I believe the latter is easily avoided if you have indeed been affectionate and attentive and communicative with her as she will likely be secure in the relationship. So talk it over with your girlfriend. Some suggested starting points? Open ended, non-judgmental phrasing such as “is there anything we haven’t yet done that you’d like to try…”, “I’ve been thinking I’d like to try…”, “what do you think about…”, and “have you ever tried…” can be good conversation starters.

I hope you find these suggestions helpful. Like I said earlier, the fact that you want to be better lover means there’s one lucky girl out there. Go get her! Be sure to let me know how it goes!

xxoo

The MamaSutra

About the Author Lanae

Dr. Lanae St.John is a Diplomate of the American Board of Sexology and certified sex coach with a background in sexology and a passion for helping people improve their sexual health and relationships. She is the author of "Read Me: A Parental Primer for "The Talk"" and the upcoming "You Are the One: How stopping the search and looking inside will lead you to your romantic destiny," and is committed to staying up-to-date on the latest research and trends in the field. Dr. St.John aims to share her knowledge and expertise in a relatable and approachable way through her blog on themamasutra.com.

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