Honey, I don't think it's up to you to become better. If you can't trust him then I'm afraid the relationship is lost.
Of course you've become controlling. That's a natural reaction to your situation. It's not a healthy one, but it's pretty common after such betrayal.
I personally think if he was the cheater (and he agrees your relationship should continue) then he's obligated to change his cheating behavior to make it work. That means he acts in ways that give you some assurances that he can be trusted again. Same would apply if a woman was the cheater.
Breaking down the reasons why he cheated or identifying the opportunities he took to cheat could help him notice if he's feeling the need again. I don't know him but I'm sure his cheating wasn't about you at all (even though it feels hella disrespectful) but was completely about him figuring something out about himself.
Don't beat yourself up or think YOURE the problem here. His behavior brought this on and he's the one who should be asking Quora what he can do to be better.
Honey, I don't think it's up to you to become better. If you can't trust him then I'm afraid the relationship is lost.
Of course you've become controlling. That's a natural reaction to your situation. It's not a healthy one, but it's pretty common after such betrayal.
I personally think if he was the cheater (and he agrees your relationship should continue) then he's obligated to change his cheating behavior to make it work. That means he acts in ways that give you some assurances that he can be trusted again. Same would apply if a woman was the cheater.
Breaking down the reasons why he cheated or identifying the opportunities he took to cheat could help him notice if he's feeling the need again. I don't know him but I'm sure his cheating wasn't about you at all (even though it feels hella disrespectful) but was completely about him figuring something out about himself.
Don't beat yourself up or think YOURE the problem here. His behavior brought this on and he's the one who should be asking Quora what he can do to be better.
How does one know if they objectify women? Take a look at the word ?Objectify? ? Does your experience with women reduce them to their body parts or their clothing? Do you consider them equally contributing members of society? If not, how do you perceive women?
Attached is a link to part 1 [1]of a 4 part series on ?female objectification? - read this knowing it was written for women. Think about these messages and how men and women unwittingly fall into the scripts and gender roles that have been set out.
Part 1 = what is sexual objectification
Part 2 = the harm
Part 3 = daily rituals to stop
Part 4 = daily rituals to start
If you find yourself thinking of women as interchangeable parts or objects, (as in the examples in the link) instead of thinking/feeling individuals with emotions and a life, and then you're probably guilty of objectifying women.
Enjoy the readings!
How does one know if they objectify women? Take a look at the word ?Objectify? ? Does your experience with women reduce them to their body parts or their clothing? Do you consider them equally contributing members of society? If not, how do you perceive women?
Attached is a link to part 1 [1]of a 4 part series on ?female objectification? - read this knowing it was written for women. Think about these messages and how men and women unwittingly fall into the scripts and gender roles that have been set out.
Part 1 = what is sexual objectification
Part 2 = the harm
Part 3 = daily rituals to stop
Part 4 = daily rituals to start
If you find yourself thinking of women as interchangeable parts or objects, (as in the examples in the link) instead of thinking/feeling individuals with emotions and a life, and then you're probably guilty of objectifying women.
Enjoy the readings!
They can.
But it doesn't have to be that way. It would be important to check in about each of your expectations in a marriage before you get married. Then you can gauge where things can go from there.
They can.
But it doesn't have to be that way. It would be important to check in about each of your expectations in a marriage before you get married. Then you can gauge where things can go from there.
No. I'm not wearing any now.
Sometimes I wear a little lip gloss and some mascara. Other days a full face (but even then my full face is not fresh-out-of-Sephora full face).
I know some women won't go out without a minimum amount on their faces, and that's okay too. To each, her own.
No. I'm not wearing any now.
Sometimes I wear a little lip gloss and some mascara. Other days a full face (but even then my full face is not fresh-out-of-Sephora full face).
I know some women won't go out without a minimum amount on their faces, and that's okay too. To each, her own.
Sure. Lots of people do this. It?s called being social.
Do you feel free to go out with your friends, or better yet, by yourself to do things You like to do? If not, why not? Please don?t say that you just want to be available to get together when he wants to. Girl you?re giving up your power and it?s needy af. Go out and live your life.
Why specifically does it ?break your heart?? What does this remind you of? Is there something in your background that makes his attention elsewhere hurt so much? Dive into that.
You could try to tell him specifically what comes up for you when he goes out with his friends and doesn?t invite you. Is it jealousy, abandonment, feeling left out, ignored, something else? This is a vulnerable share and how he responds to it will give you the guidance to proceed if you?re ready for it:
If he blows off your feelings, end it. I doubt he?s gonna come around. Imagine a whole married life with a partner that doesn?t care for your emotional needs. That SUCKS. You?ll end up alone with the kids and super lonely. Maybe you?ll even get up the courage in your 40?s to get divorced. But then you have to deal with the guys your age only interested in 20- or 30-somethings. Not fun.
If he listens and talks to you, maybe even shifts his behavior to include you once or twice a month, that?s great. An improvement. Don?t ever expect him to include you in all. If that?s not acceptable to you, end it. No sense putting the two of you in such a state of constant battle over all or some.
?Then seriously evaluate your expectations for what a relationship is supposed to look like. Maybe someone out there wants that with you but right now, as you?ve described it, it?s not this guy.
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Sure. Lots of people do this. It?s called being social.
Do you feel free to go out with your friends, or better yet, by yourself to do things You like to do? If not, why not? Please don?t say that you just want to be available to get together when he wants to. Girl you?re giving up your power and it?s needy af. Go out and live your life.
Why specifically does it ?break your heart?? What does this remind you of? Is there something in your background that makes his attention elsewhere hurt so much? Dive into that.
You could try to tell him specifically what comes up for you when he goes out with his friends and doesn?t invite you. Is it jealousy, abandonment, feeling left out, ignored, something else? This is a vulnerable share and how he responds to it will give you the guidance to proceed if you?re ready for it:
If he blows off your feelings, end it. I doubt he?s gonna come around. Imagine a whole married life with a partner that doesn?t care for your emotional needs. That SUCKS. You?ll end up alone with the kids and super lonely. Maybe you?ll even get up the courage in your 40?s to get divorced. But then you have to deal with the guys your age only interested in 20- or 30-somethings. Not fun.
If he listens and talks to you, maybe even shifts his behavior to include you once or twice a month, that?s great. An improvement. Don?t ever expect him to include you in all. If that?s not acceptable to you, end it. No sense putting the two of you in such a state of constant battle over all or some.
?Then seriously evaluate your expectations for what a relationship is supposed to look like. Maybe someone out there wants that with you but right now, as you?ve described it, it?s not this guy.
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I KNOW you don't mean girls as in people with breasts under the age of 18. That's creepy af. Meanwhile, can we all figure out a more appropriate word to use instead of girls? when we intend to talk about women?
Now. You wanna know HOW to ask girls to show you their tits. What are you, 12! Can't you go find Porn like other young boys?? But seriously, look to how you talk/write - you just want the OBJECT (boobs) and likely wouldn't know what to do with the SUBJECT to whom the tits belong (the woman). For now you?ll likely just have to stay with the inanimate versions in magazines and videos until you can engage with a real person and until you mature a bit.
Once you have matured, and learned how to have normal human conversations that stimulate (or simulate) thought and intellect, then MAYBE you?ll begin to get access to those desired tits. Maybe you'll learn some respect for women along the way and treat them as human beings who deserve compassion. That's a HUGE turn on ?Well, it is for any woman who has matured past the bad boy trope. That may even get you into some pants too! How about that?!
How?? Just don't. Spend your time learning how to communicate with people in respectful ways and figure out how to see them as whole people and not objects.
I KNOW you don't mean girls as in people with breasts under the age of 18. That's creepy af. Meanwhile, can we all figure out a more appropriate word to use instead of girls? when we intend to talk about women?
Now. You wanna know HOW to ask girls to show you their tits. What are you, 12! Can't you go find Porn like other young boys?? But seriously, look to how you talk/write - you just want the OBJECT (boobs) and likely wouldn't know what to do with the SUBJECT to whom the tits belong (the woman). For now you?ll likely just have to stay with the inanimate versions in magazines and videos until you can engage with a real person and until you mature a bit.
Once you have matured, and learned how to have normal human conversations that stimulate (or simulate) thought and intellect, then MAYBE you?ll begin to get access to those desired tits. Maybe you'll learn some respect for women along the way and treat them as human beings who deserve compassion. That's a HUGE turn on ?Well, it is for any woman who has matured past the bad boy trope. That may even get you into some pants too! How about that?!
How?? Just don't. Spend your time learning how to communicate with people in respectful ways and figure out how to see them as whole people and not objects.
You can try to think of other things. Baseball. Grandparents. Snow.
But keep in mind - getting an erection isn't always in your control. It's embarrassing in the moment for some but remember: it's not the end of the world. In fact, a few days later hopefully you are laughing about it too. Our bodies can be silly and erections out of context are sometimes funny.
You can try to think of other things. Baseball. Grandparents. Snow.
But keep in mind - getting an erection isn't always in your control. It's embarrassing in the moment for some but remember: it's not the end of the world. In fact, a few days later hopefully you are laughing about it too. Our bodies can be silly and erections out of context are sometimes funny.
Buckle up, because I?m not going to mince words here.
How do you get over that nasty, judgemental, rude attitude? Accept the fact that you?re jealous and vulnerably share your insecurity. You aren?t alone. Some guys who feel like you do are, at the heart of the matter, a bit intimidated because she?s got more experience. Plus, it brings up fear that having less experience means you?re ?less of a man? (whatever that means, stupid #strictgenderstereotypes)? Maybe speaking it out loud will take away some of this disapproving, shitty behavior you have toward her and how she?s lived her life as a grown ass woman. Do not expect her to do your emotional labor for you though. It?s okay to get professional help. That you seek to work this jealousy out of your system is amazing and admirable.
What she's done in her past is none your business! It's your hang up and it has nothing to do with her past and everything to do with your judgment, likely your socialization too. You've got some work ahead of you. Perhaps there's a sex positive therapist near you to help you work through this?
Your girlfriend is not the one who should bear any shame in this instance.
Buckle up, because I?m not going to mince words here.
How do you get over that nasty, judgemental, rude attitude? Accept the fact that you?re jealous and vulnerably share your insecurity. You aren?t alone. Some guys who feel like you do are, at the heart of the matter, a bit intimidated because she?s got more experience. Plus, it brings up fear that having less experience means you?re ?less of a man? (whatever that means, stupid #strictgenderstereotypes)? Maybe speaking it out loud will take away some of this disapproving, shitty behavior you have toward her and how she?s lived her life as a grown ass woman. Do not expect her to do your emotional labor for you though. It?s okay to get professional help. That you seek to work this jealousy out of your system is amazing and admirable.
What she's done in her past is none your business! It's your hang up and it has nothing to do with her past and everything to do with your judgment, likely your socialization too. You've got some work ahead of you. Perhaps there's a sex positive therapist near you to help you work through this?
Your girlfriend is not the one who should bear any shame in this instance.
Just Online?? I'm confused by your question. Do you not want to meet the person in person? Do you mean a real girl? but just for cyber sex or with the goal to meet a real girl to then meet IRL?
There are plenty of dating sites online. People are listing themselves there because they are specifically looking for someone to date or spend time with. I?d focus efforts there.
It's tougher to meet people online for dating purposes if they aren't entering that space with that intention. I can't imagine chat rooms or gaming sites would be so ideal for this but I could be wrong. You may be more aware than I am if people go into gaming to meet a real girl but I didn't think that was the case.
I imagine the next question you'll have is how do you talk to a real girl?.
Just Online?? I'm confused by your question. Do you not want to meet the person in person? Do you mean a real girl? but just for cyber sex or with the goal to meet a real girl to then meet IRL?
There are plenty of dating sites online. People are listing themselves there because they are specifically looking for someone to date or spend time with. I?d focus efforts there.
It's tougher to meet people online for dating purposes if they aren't entering that space with that intention. I can't imagine chat rooms or gaming sites would be so ideal for this but I could be wrong. You may be more aware than I am if people go into gaming to meet a real girl but I didn't think that was the case.
I imagine the next question you'll have is how do you talk to a real girl?.
She lost it? Is she trying to find it again? Or are you asking in a serious way for a situation where it was not her choice to lose her virginity??
I'm curious because you're asking how you should act. She's your friend. Ask her how she feels about it. And then sit with her in whatever feelings she has. Happiness Celebrate with her! Regret? Listen to her why. Sadness Be a shoulder for her to cry on. Feeling like that first time should have been more special? Tell her an internet full of women feel that too. Whatever she's feeling, just listen and support.
You could also consider, what would YOU want your friend to do for you when you have YOUR sexual debut (my preferred term instead of losing one's virginity?. That phrase is patriarchy defined and simply a social construct).
She lost it? Is she trying to find it again? Or are you asking in a serious way for a situation where it was not her choice to lose her virginity??
I'm curious because you're asking how you should act. She's your friend. Ask her how she feels about it. And then sit with her in whatever feelings she has. Happiness Celebrate with her! Regret? Listen to her why. Sadness Be a shoulder for her to cry on. Feeling like that first time should have been more special? Tell her an internet full of women feel that too. Whatever she's feeling, just listen and support.
You could also consider, what would YOU want your friend to do for you when you have YOUR sexual debut (my preferred term instead of losing one's virginity?. That phrase is patriarchy defined and simply a social construct).