Eh, forget that guy.
Why is he mad? He's just bitter because you won't have sex with him, and he assumes that if you liked him you'd be more likely to have sex with him.
He could also be saying he's mad to manipulate you to have sex with him, playing on a notion that you wouldn't want to make him mad at you. (See how screwed up that is??) A manipulation, pure and simple.
Fuck that guy (but not literally).
Eh, forget that guy.
Why is he mad? He's just bitter because you won't have sex with him, and he assumes that if you liked him you'd be more likely to have sex with him.
He could also be saying he's mad to manipulate you to have sex with him, playing on a notion that you wouldn't want to make him mad at you. (See how screwed up that is??) A manipulation, pure and simple.
Fuck that guy (but not literally).
Thank you for the A2A
How did you show your spouse love back on Day 1? Were there rituals or significant methods you used to demonstrate your love?
It's recently been exposed as rather churchy, but if you're so inclined the five love languages is a great way to figure out the language your spouse recognizes as loving. Take the test together for Fun and then learn if you speak each other's language. I know the language I express is sometimes different than the language I feel and recognize so pay attention to that too.
Congratulations on 35 years! Here's to many more. *cheers*
Thank you for the A2A
How did you show your spouse love back on Day 1? Were there rituals or significant methods you used to demonstrate your love?
It's recently been exposed as rather churchy, but if you're so inclined the five love languages is a great way to figure out the language your spouse recognizes as loving. Take the test together for Fun and then learn if you speak each other's language. I know the language I express is sometimes different than the language I feel and recognize so pay attention to that too.
Congratulations on 35 years! Here's to many more. *cheers*
Umm. How are you making this about you?
Your wife married someone she presumably loved and that person died. How is she feeling about that loss? It is a little strange that it didn?t come up before but maybe the event was very depressing, sad, traumatic for her and she doesn?t like to discuss it.
I understand your feeling betrayed to some extent, but hurt? Why? If it?s because you don?t want to think of your wife with another man, get over it.
What should you do? Take a moment and consider her. Consider maybe she didn?t tell you because she sensed you?d act like you are right now. We pick up on microexpressions and microreactions from our partners all the time. If you?re not a ?safe? person to open up to, then I likely wouldn?t have told you either.
Ask her if she wants to talk about it. Then maybe you can begin to ask the NONJUDGMENTAL questions about why she didn?t tell you. You?re not getting anywhere if you come at her with all of your hurt, betrayal, lack of trust. LISTEN with your heart and have some compassion for your love who lost someone close to her.
It may make sense to go to a therapist to figure out how to process the emotions coming up for you AND figure out how to talk to her about this in a nonconfrontational way.
Umm. How are you making this about you?
Your wife married someone she presumably loved and that person died. How is she feeling about that loss? It is a little strange that it didn?t come up before but maybe the event was very depressing, sad, traumatic for her and she doesn?t like to discuss it.
I understand your feeling betrayed to some extent, but hurt? Why? If it?s because you don?t want to think of your wife with another man, get over it.
What should you do? Take a moment and consider her. Consider maybe she didn?t tell you because she sensed you?d act like you are right now. We pick up on microexpressions and microreactions from our partners all the time. If you?re not a ?safe? person to open up to, then I likely wouldn?t have told you either.
Ask her if she wants to talk about it. Then maybe you can begin to ask the NONJUDGMENTAL questions about why she didn?t tell you. You?re not getting anywhere if you come at her with all of your hurt, betrayal, lack of trust. LISTEN with your heart and have some compassion for your love who lost someone close to her.
It may make sense to go to a therapist to figure out how to process the emotions coming up for you AND figure out how to talk to her about this in a nonconfrontational way.
I'd say the best person to ask would be your partner. In my opinion, the two of you can come up with any solution you can both agree to as long as neither of you have felt coerced in making the agreement. You are not obligated to do what other people do just because that's the way it is. I presume you are both smart, respectful, consenting adults who can communicate your feelings, and you will need to, especially when it comes to the time when one or both of you feel a need to renegotiate your relationship agreement. Some people are fine with going along in a relationship leaving things left unsaid. To me, I feel the question you pose boils down to respect. I personally would prefer to explicitly outline some needs, wants, and desires as well as expectations. My partner doesn't have to meet all of those or even do as I wish. We all have free will. Only I get to decide which of my list would be dealbreakers if not met. It may happen that some people will fail to uphold their end of the bargain. You could even calculate what you will do if / when someone violates your relationship agreement. I would say the only obligation you have to your partner would be to communicate. When communication stops, then the relationship is usually headed for trouble.
I'd say the best person to ask would be your partner. In my opinion, the two of you can come up with any solution you can both agree to as long as neither of you have felt coerced in making the agreement. You are not obligated to do what other people do just because that's the way it is. I presume you are both smart, respectful, consenting adults who can communicate your feelings, and you will need to, especially when it comes to the time when one or both of you feel a need to renegotiate your relationship agreement. Some people are fine with going along in a relationship leaving things left unsaid. To me, I feel the question you pose boils down to respect. I personally would prefer to explicitly outline some needs, wants, and desires as well as expectations. My partner doesn't have to meet all of those or even do as I wish. We all have free will. Only I get to decide which of my list would be dealbreakers if not met. It may happen that some people will fail to uphold their end of the bargain. You could even calculate what you will do if / when someone violates your relationship agreement. I would say the only obligation you have to your partner would be to communicate. When communication stops, then the relationship is usually headed for trouble.
At the point they bring the subject out in the open for discussion.
But the other person is in no obligation to agree and if they do agree, it's up to them to respect that relationship agreement.
It's not a good idea to expect anything without a discussion, otherwise you set yourself up for disappointment.
At the point they bring the subject out in the open for discussion.
But the other person is in no obligation to agree and if they do agree, it's up to them to respect that relationship agreement.
It's not a good idea to expect anything without a discussion, otherwise you set yourself up for disappointment.
Sure but I'm not sure why he'd put the effort into a relationship with a MARRIED woman with kids. If she's married and they do not have an open relationship (where dating the man on the outside would be acceptable) then it's kind of a waste of his time.
Why doesn't he focus on dating people who are available? or does he pursue an already committed relationship so she's not entirely available? Or does he think his perceived value hangs on winning her over?
If your question was, can a single guy fall in love with a divorced woman with kids? I'd say absolutely. My partner and I are very much in love and he was single and I was divorced with kids when we met.
Sure but I'm not sure why he'd put the effort into a relationship with a MARRIED woman with kids. If she's married and they do not have an open relationship (where dating the man on the outside would be acceptable) then it's kind of a waste of his time.
Why doesn't he focus on dating people who are available? or does he pursue an already committed relationship so she's not entirely available? Or does he think his perceived value hangs on winning her over?
If your question was, can a single guy fall in love with a divorced woman with kids? I'd say absolutely. My partner and I are very much in love and he was single and I was divorced with kids when we met.
Yes.
(One side note before I dive in: I steer clear of using the euphemism being intimate with? when I really mean had sex with?. Mainly because I don't want to dilute the importance of the actual word intimacy?. I took a bit of my definition from Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love; feelings of deep affection, closeness, and bondedness in loving relationships and you like spending time with the person.)
I have a few people I'm like that with.
But it happened much later in my life and these were grownup relationships. I'm not sure I would have had the emotional and relational maturity to even begins to know how to do the same when I was much younger.
Yes.
(One side note before I dive in: I steer clear of using the euphemism being intimate with? when I really mean had sex with?. Mainly because I don't want to dilute the importance of the actual word intimacy?. I took a bit of my definition from Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love; feelings of deep affection, closeness, and bondedness in loving relationships and you like spending time with the person.)
I have a few people I'm like that with.
But it happened much later in my life and these were grownup relationships. I'm not sure I would have had the emotional and relational maturity to even begins to know how to do the same when I was much younger.
Sure. Lots of people do this. It?s called being social.
Do you feel free to go out with your friends, or better yet, by yourself to do things You like to do? If not, why not? Please don?t say that you just want to be available to get together when he wants to. Girl you?re giving up your power and it?s needy af. Go out and live your life.
Why specifically does it ?break your heart?? What does this remind you of? Is there something in your background that makes his attention elsewhere hurt so much? Dive into that.
You could try to tell him specifically what comes up for you when he goes out with his friends and doesn?t invite you. Is it jealousy, abandonment, feeling left out, ignored, something else? This is a vulnerable share and how he responds to it will give you the guidance to proceed if you?re ready for it:
If he blows off your feelings, end it. I doubt he?s gonna come around. Imagine a whole married life with a partner that doesn?t care for your emotional needs. That SUCKS. You?ll end up alone with the kids and super lonely. Maybe you?ll even get up the courage in your 40?s to get divorced. But then you have to deal with the guys your age only interested in 20- or 30-somethings. Not fun.
If he listens and talks to you, maybe even shifts his behavior to include you once or twice a month, that?s great. An improvement. Don?t ever expect him to include you in all. If that?s not acceptable to you, end it. No sense putting the two of you in such a state of constant battle over all or some.
?Then seriously evaluate your expectations for what a relationship is supposed to look like. Maybe someone out there wants that with you but right now, as you?ve described it, it?s not this guy.
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Sure. Lots of people do this. It?s called being social.
Do you feel free to go out with your friends, or better yet, by yourself to do things You like to do? If not, why not? Please don?t say that you just want to be available to get together when he wants to. Girl you?re giving up your power and it?s needy af. Go out and live your life.
Why specifically does it ?break your heart?? What does this remind you of? Is there something in your background that makes his attention elsewhere hurt so much? Dive into that.
You could try to tell him specifically what comes up for you when he goes out with his friends and doesn?t invite you. Is it jealousy, abandonment, feeling left out, ignored, something else? This is a vulnerable share and how he responds to it will give you the guidance to proceed if you?re ready for it:
If he blows off your feelings, end it. I doubt he?s gonna come around. Imagine a whole married life with a partner that doesn?t care for your emotional needs. That SUCKS. You?ll end up alone with the kids and super lonely. Maybe you?ll even get up the courage in your 40?s to get divorced. But then you have to deal with the guys your age only interested in 20- or 30-somethings. Not fun.
If he listens and talks to you, maybe even shifts his behavior to include you once or twice a month, that?s great. An improvement. Don?t ever expect him to include you in all. If that?s not acceptable to you, end it. No sense putting the two of you in such a state of constant battle over all or some.
?Then seriously evaluate your expectations for what a relationship is supposed to look like. Maybe someone out there wants that with you but right now, as you?ve described it, it?s not this guy.
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Calling it a high body count is probably more likely to make a rough future for dating and marriage. Those are people, not just bodies or objects you had sex with.
A person's past is only is an issue if you or the other person makes it one.
Does it need to be No. Is it even relevant? No, not really. Certainly not, as long as they have been taking care of their sexual health (and by extension, the sexual health of their partners) by getting tested and, if necessary, treated for STIs often.
Calling it a high body count is probably more likely to make a rough future for dating and marriage. Those are people, not just bodies or objects you had sex with.
A person's past is only is an issue if you or the other person makes it one.
Does it need to be No. Is it even relevant? No, not really. Certainly not, as long as they have been taking care of their sexual health (and by extension, the sexual health of their partners) by getting tested and, if necessary, treated for STIs often.
How can a couple be independent yet maintain a healthy, loving and balanced commitment??
It seems from your question that you think those things may somehow be opposing intents. I actually think that independence is part of the definition of a healthy, loving and balanced relationship.
But first, I'd like to ask what specific actions make the two of you independent in your definition? What exactly are you doing independently? Having your own hobbies and interests? One of you likes sailing while the other likes book clubs? It's not necessary for couples to do everything together.
Having some shared common interests is nice, sure. But not every waking moment needs to be spent in perfect harmony?. That is perhaps what attracted you two together in the first place, no? You had a life but wanted the other to be part of it too. It certainly doesn't mean giving up yourself or who you are to be with this person. There's still some mystery to them.
(That doing everything with him? was what I did in my marriage. It didn't yield a good result for me in the long run because I built up some resentment. I wanted to find who I was again and I didn't see my partner supporting that).
I think friendship, respect, independence, and communication is what holds you together through everything.
How can a couple be independent yet maintain a healthy, loving and balanced commitment??
It seems from your question that you think those things may somehow be opposing intents. I actually think that independence is part of the definition of a healthy, loving and balanced relationship.
But first, I'd like to ask what specific actions make the two of you independent in your definition? What exactly are you doing independently? Having your own hobbies and interests? One of you likes sailing while the other likes book clubs? It's not necessary for couples to do everything together.
Having some shared common interests is nice, sure. But not every waking moment needs to be spent in perfect harmony?. That is perhaps what attracted you two together in the first place, no? You had a life but wanted the other to be part of it too. It certainly doesn't mean giving up yourself or who you are to be with this person. There's still some mystery to them.
(That doing everything with him? was what I did in my marriage. It didn't yield a good result for me in the long run because I built up some resentment. I wanted to find who I was again and I didn't see my partner supporting that).
I think friendship, respect, independence, and communication is what holds you together through everything.