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love Question & Answer


Don't worry about how much you masturbate at this point. Masturbation is a form of self soothing. It feels good, right. And it sounds like right now you're mourning the loss. So forgive the ourself a bit. And I hear you that Porn can be expensive- You could change it up by reading erotica or finding an adult magazine or two that suits you instead.I would encourage you to find activities that get you out of the house and doing other things you enjoy. Movies,Books, Dinner out with your friends. Hiking in nature, Take a class. It's okay to ask for some company from your friends. If you're recently divorced they might not know how they could help you through this. Ask them for suggestions of things to do too. I'm sure there are many other things you can do with your time that may also serve to help you get her off your mind.Of course you're afraid to be in love again. You hurt your heart. Just know that it does get better with time - you'll just need to take some inspired action in the meantime to start focusing on something else for a while....
Published Date : 10/17/2018

Thank you for the A2AHow did you show your spouse love back on Day 1? Were there rituals or significant methods you used to demonstrate your love?It's recently been exposed as rather churchy, but if you're so inclined the five love languages is a great way to figure out the language your spouse recognizes as loving. Take the test together for Fun and then learn if you speak each other's language. I know the language I express is sometimes different than the language I feel and recognize so pay attention to that too.Congratulations on 35 years! Here's to many more. *cheers*...
Published Date : 6/20/2019

Relax. There could be any reason he said thank you. At least he's appreciative. Screaming and running away from you would have been worse. I'm sure it took him by surprise. Besides, even Han Solo messed up that response with Princess Leia the first time. Let me share a little story: This actually happened to me with a guy I was dating once. I told him that I thought I was falling in love with him - of course lots of alcohol was involved. He said, hmm. I was kicking myself! Omg. What did I say? I ruined it! But at the same time I was saying to myself, you know what? That is really how I feel. If he can't handle me speaking truthfully then he's not the one for me. I called him to the next morning to explain: it was less .I want to get engaged and get married and more. I can see spending a lot more time with you. He thanked me for the clarification. He told me that the woman he'd recently dated gave him an ultimatum and he wasn't ready to commit just yet. We kept in contact, but weren't dating. We developed a friendship over time. Six months later, after we'd both dated other people, we decided to start spending more time together. Well, I started inviting him to join me to a bunch of events with me and my friends and he accepted. He jokes that I filled up his social calendar. Eventually, one night he said to me, you know I love you. He wasn't used to saying, I love you and this was his way of saying it. It's now been about 5 years and we are still together. And we do say I love you to each other daily now. I'm not saying your situation will end up like this but I want to illustrate that I didn't beat myself up about it. You shouldn't either. I understand how it feels like rejection and that sucks. Give yourself credit for putting your feelings out there. If he is mean in any way to you as a result of you sharing this vulnerability, then f*ck that guy. (But not literally. He doesn?t deserve you for sure!) Trust me that someone who is capable of a healthy relationship can and will reciprocate your feelings when the time is right. Take this time to examine for yourself what love is. What does it mean to you? Is it conditional? Unconditional? How do you show up in the relationship? How does he? What are your models for loving relationships? Are they healthy examples (for example, the movie Twilight has some messed up examples and probably shouldn?t be your model). In the classes I teach when we talk about love, we talk about concepts like proximity (as physical closeness, not sexual closeness), similarity (having similar goals and aspirations), physical attractiveness, and reciprocity (doing nice things for each other, that's it's not just one sided). We also talk about Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love - Intimacy, Passion, Committment, and Consummate Love. Google it and see where you would put yourself. Again, try not to stress out. Just breathe. And notice that what you fell in love with in him is probably a part of you that you can love too. ...
Published Date : 7/6/2018

They can.But it doesn't have to be that way. It would be important to check in about each of your expectations in a marriage before you get married. Then you can gauge where things can go from there....
Published Date : 10/16/2018

How can a couple be independent yet maintain a healthy, loving and balanced commitment??It seems from your question that you think those things may somehow be opposing intents. I actually think that independence is part of the definition of a healthy, loving and balanced relationship.But first, I'd like to ask what specific actions make the two of you independent in your definition? What exactly are you doing independently? Having your own hobbies and interests? One of you likes sailing while the other likes book clubs? It's not necessary for couples to do everything together.Having some shared common interests is nice, sure. But not every waking moment needs to be spent in perfect harmony?. That is perhaps what attracted you two together in the first place, no? You had a life but wanted the other to be part of it too. It certainly doesn't mean giving up yourself or who you are to be with this person. There's still some mystery to them.(That doing everything with him? was what I did in my marriage. It didn't yield a good result for me in the long run because I built up some resentment. I wanted to find who I was again and I didn't see my partner supporting that).I think friendship, respect, independence, and communication is what holds you together through everything....
Published Date : 5/23/2019

Thank you for the A2A10 years? 35 years? It?s similar and I wrote about it here too: Lanae St.John's answer to After 35 years how do I show my spouse that I still feel the same love that I did on day 1?...
Published Date : 7/9/2019

Slow your roll.She just broke up? And now you want to start a relationship with her? Well, keep in mind that she should want a relationship with you as well.My rule of thumb is to allow for at least half of the length of the relationship as time to heal and recover and get back to yourself after a break up. The reason this is my rule of thumb is I think folks who get involved again so quickly might end up repeating patterns.What should you do? Spend time together. Banter, chat, walk and talk. Really see if you like each other. This part can be tough but can also be hugely rewarding.And shift your mindset from panicking about ?the friend zone?. It a bad place to be TBH. If I'm friends with someone and feel safe with them, then I'm more likely going to want to explore new things with them. ;)...
Published Date : 7/8/2019

How does one cope?? Like a mature human.Her previous relationships are hers and it shouldn't matter who she's been with before you, even if it's in your friend group. I think she sounds like a mature person if they parted amicably and they're still friends. Not everyone is like that.Sometimes it can help, if you tend to be insecure about stuff like this, maybe to think that you won She's with YOU now? ???Bottom line, it's a mindset thing. Examine what cultural or societal messages you got that tell you her being with someone before you is a bad thing. I'm guessing it's that messaging that's the problem, not her....
Published Date : 3/21/2019

Frankly, you don't have to get over it?. If it bothers you, then the two of you don't have to be together. Find someone you don't have shared past partners with.That said, I gotta ask: have you and your girlfriend had a conversation about this? if she has said she truly doesn't have feelings for him and you trust your girlfriend (has she given you reasons not to trust her?) then this thing is just in your head.Examine that: What is it specifically? Thinking of them together? Expecting flirty things happening at work? I can tell you if I had to work with an ex it'd be just business because ew. I'm not going back to something that is over (I never understand why people put so much effort into winning an ex back).Ruminating over things like this is not a good thing for you, nor her. It's gonna give off an insecure vibe and I imagine it will be kinda gross for her. Besides, do you think he's better than you? Does he have something special you don't have?I often liked meeting past partners of exes because (and this is gonna sound strange) I saw them as normal people. They weren't intimidating anymore as unknown variables. This guy is your best friend, but he's not your enemy.Which begs the question - do you not trust your best friend? Is he gonna tap that? and betray your best friend-ship? If he does, that?s an awfully shitty best friend.Uncover the answers to these questions to try to get at the solution for your problem. Wishing you success....
Published Date : 2/4/2020

Thank you for the A2A.There's a difference in my mind between private and secret. I think of a secret as a thing I'm withholding from someone. Secrets might hurt their feelings.I find that you discover each other's full history as you spend more time together. You don't have to dump all of your baggage at once. I do think that if you have the right partner, someone who is caring /compassionate, then you can tell them the messy things about you and they are still going to love you.How is that possible??Is that the question that pops into your head now? Growing up with controlling or judgmental parents can make a person scared to share. Love felt conditional so it's tough to know how unconditional love feels.it's possible I don't understand your question. Perhaps there's something more that you mean by knowing your beloved's whole history. If you mean their sexual history, it?s not for them or you to judge really. The past is the past. The only thing that matters is now and how you treat each other going forward.And what does that look like?...
Published Date : 1/31/2020

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