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masturbation Question & Answer


Appropriate is based on their relationship really.

And there's a lot to unpack here.

If she won't have sex with him? as a general rule, then for sure she shouldn't think she can limit his self-pleasuring/masturbating activity. If she also doesn't approve of masturbation as a general rule, then perhaps there's some deeper issue underlying things.

If she's just not in the mood to have sex and he wants to masturbate, then this should be entirely okay. It's just a matter of mutual respect regarding where he'll do the self-pleasuring. Perhaps he can do this somewhat quietly so it doesn't disturb her sleep.

Talk about it ahead of time. If she's not comfortable with him masturbating in bed next to her when she's awake then they should be able to negotiate something. I personally don't think it's okay for her to forbid him from masturbating in the shared bed. It's his space too. Some guys enjoy laying down to jerk off. Perhaps if she's not in the mood, then he can masturbate before she comes to bed.

Communication is key. The same guidelines apply if the wife wants to masturbate and her husband doesn't want to have sex (this happens. Don't assume all men want to have sex all the time. They don't.)

Edited to add: Lanae St.John, DHS, ACS's answer to Is it appropriate for a woman to masturbate in bed beside her husband if he won't have sex with her? I added one quick point to the end of this answer that also relates to this question too.


Published Date : 3/5/2020

Appropriate is based on their relationship really.

And there's a lot to unpack here.

If she won't have sex with him? as a general rule, then for sure she shouldn't think she can limit his self-pleasuring/masturbating activity. If she also doesn't approve of masturbation as a general rule, then perhaps there's some deeper issue underlying things.

If she's just not in the mood to have sex and he wants to masturbate, then this should be entirely okay. It's just a matter of mutual respect regarding where he'll do the self-pleasuring. Perhaps he can do this somewhat quietly so it doesn't disturb her sleep.

Talk about it ahead of time. If she's not comfortable with him masturbating in bed next to her when she's awake then they should be able to negotiate something. I personally don't think it's okay for her to forbid him from masturbating in the shared bed. It's his space too. Some guys enjoy laying down to jerk off. Perhaps if she's not in the mood, then he can masturbate before she comes to bed.

Communication is key. The same guidelines apply if the wife wants to masturbate and her husband doesn't want to have sex (this happens. Don't assume all men want to have sex all the time. They don't.)

Edited to add: Lanae St.John, DHS, ACS's answer to Is it appropriate for a woman to masturbate in bed beside her husband if he won't have sex with her? I added one quick point to the end of this answer that also relates to this question too.


Published Date : 3/5/2020

I just answered this question related to a man masturbating next to his wife.

Lanae St.John, DHS, CSC, ACS's answer to Is it appropriate for a man to masturbate in bed beside his wife if she won't have sex with him?

I think it's the same thing. Get to the root of why they don't want to have sex. You may need to work with a sex coach because perhaps there's some old thoughts or feelings about sexuality to start with.

I will add; try to have some compassion for the partner who doesn't want to have sex. If they're not being manipulative then there may be some real issues to get help for - depression, anxiety, stress. All of those things are desire killers.


Published Date : 3/5/2020

I just answered this question related to a man masturbating next to his wife.

Lanae St.John, DHS, CSC, ACS's answer to Is it appropriate for a man to masturbate in bed beside his wife if she won't have sex with him?

I think it's the same thing. Get to the root of why they don't want to have sex. You may need to work with a sex coach because perhaps there's some old thoughts or feelings about sexuality to start with.

I will add; try to have some compassion for the partner who doesn't want to have sex. If they're not being manipulative then there may be some real issues to get help for - depression, anxiety, stress. All of those things are desire killers.


Published Date : 3/5/2020

It is normal to rarely think about sex or masturbate. Lots of people live like that and there's nothing wrong with that. I would probably feel trapped too if I were in a relationship with someone who expected more sex than I did. Maybe you can share your lack of sexual interest with the person you're dating right away so they can choose. If you scare them off, great! Then you can focus on finding a partner whose sex drive matches yours. I'm guessing you're going to have to talk about this up front though. Think of it as weeding people out. The good ones will stick. But quick question: What have you learned about asexuality? How do you know you're not asexual? JSYK, there's nothing wrong with that orientation.


Published Date : 7/20/2018

It is normal to rarely think about sex or masturbate. Lots of people live like that and there's nothing wrong with that. I would probably feel trapped too if I were in a relationship with someone who expected more sex than I did. Maybe you can share your lack of sexual interest with the person you're dating right away so they can choose. If you scare them off, great! Then you can focus on finding a partner whose sex drive matches yours. I'm guessing you're going to have to talk about this up front though. Think of it as weeding people out. The good ones will stick. But quick question: What have you learned about asexuality? How do you know you're not asexual? JSYK, there's nothing wrong with that orientation.


Published Date : 7/20/2018

Short answer: YES. I'd rather have my daughters learn about what feels good to them in their bodies before they begin to have encounters with others. I would never want them to rely on another person to give them pleasure like I did (I thought the first man to give me an orgasm was magic. Spoiler alert: he wasn't). Explore your own body on your terms. It's yours after all. Figure out what feels good and what doesn't. Also, feel free to grab a mirror and look at your vulva and do a genital self-exam to see what everything looks like down there. (My latest blog post is on this subject). Get used to it. Then, if you notice any changes, you can bring it up with confidence to your physician.


Published Date : 7/6/2018

Short answer: YES. I'd rather have my daughters learn about what feels good to them in their bodies before they begin to have encounters with others. I would never want them to rely on another person to give them pleasure like I did (I thought the first man to give me an orgasm was magic. Spoiler alert: he wasn't). Explore your own body on your terms. It's yours after all. Figure out what feels good and what doesn't. Also, feel free to grab a mirror and look at your vulva and do a genital self-exam to see what everything looks like down there. (My latest blog post is on this subject). Get used to it. Then, if you notice any changes, you can bring it up with confidence to your physician.


Published Date : 7/6/2018

There are a few things to repurpose in the house for masturbation. My word of caution is to be careful of what you use as insertable. Objects that have a porous surface can hold bacteria, glass can break, and some plastics might not be body-safe.

And NEVER EVER use an object that doesn?t have a flared based when playing around the anus.

I appreciate your creativity and effort to be thrifty, though sometimes it?s worth the investment to buy a toy that is made of quality materials if you?re looking for something insertable.

If, however, you?re just looking for something to use externally as a vibrator for the clitoris, the kids toy ?hex bugs? are like tiny bullet vibrators (again, not insertable) and the motor end of an electric toothbrush can serve to stimulate the clitoris.

Alternatively, some people like to use the water faucet in the tub or adjustable shower head to stimulate the vulva/clitoris. And other people find dry humping pillows satisfying.

There are plenty of household items to think of for masturbation, but just because you think it doesn?t always mean it?s a good choice. Keep safety, hygiene, and sexual health in mind.

Lanae


Published Date : 8/3/2018

There are a few things to repurpose in the house for masturbation. My word of caution is to be careful of what you use as insertable. Objects that have a porous surface can hold bacteria, glass can break, and some plastics might not be body-safe.

And NEVER EVER use an object that doesn?t have a flared based when playing around the anus.

I appreciate your creativity and effort to be thrifty, though sometimes it?s worth the investment to buy a toy that is made of quality materials if you?re looking for something insertable.

If, however, you?re just looking for something to use externally as a vibrator for the clitoris, the kids toy ?hex bugs? are like tiny bullet vibrators (again, not insertable) and the motor end of an electric toothbrush can serve to stimulate the clitoris.

Alternatively, some people like to use the water faucet in the tub or adjustable shower head to stimulate the vulva/clitoris. And other people find dry humping pillows satisfying.

There are plenty of household items to think of for masturbation, but just because you think it doesn?t always mean it?s a good choice. Keep safety, hygiene, and sexual health in mind.

Lanae


Published Date : 8/3/2018

How does his masturbation to videos of other women hurt you? Honest question.

If it bothers you that much, then you don't have to be in relationship with him.

However, maybe first do a little examination of why him watching videos of other women bothers you. What specifically. Is it how these other women look? Does it bring up some insecurity for you? Do you feel it's betrayal? If so, why? Are you worried about him leaving you for them? Get really clear and then maybe you can have a specific conversation with him about these concerns.

Sometimes making something forbidden makes it that much more appealing. I'm sure that's not your intention.

(By the way, I do coaching on this type of issue and could help you uncover the issues you may have here.)

No one likes to be controlled and you making such a demand might feel to him like you're trying to control him.


Published Date : 12/21/2019

How does his masturbation to videos of other women hurt you? Honest question.

If it bothers you that much, then you don't have to be in relationship with him.

However, maybe first do a little examination of why him watching videos of other women bothers you. What specifically. Is it how these other women look? Does it bring up some insecurity for you? Do you feel it's betrayal? If so, why? Are you worried about him leaving you for them? Get really clear and then maybe you can have a specific conversation with him about these concerns.

Sometimes making something forbidden makes it that much more appealing. I'm sure that's not your intention.

(By the way, I do coaching on this type of issue and could help you uncover the issues you may have here.)

No one likes to be controlled and you making such a demand might feel to him like you're trying to control him.


Published Date : 12/21/2019

Lots of ideas. Masturbate is one. Meditate, pray, journal, or find a creative outlet is another. Use the feeling of being horny to create some form of art - write, poetry, music, sculpture, paint, whatever works for you. Ruminating on the fact that you're alone? probably isn't too helpful. Rejoice in the beauty of choices that you have.


Published Date : 7/6/2018

Lots of ideas. Masturbate is one. Meditate, pray, journal, or find a creative outlet is another. Use the feeling of being horny to create some form of art - write, poetry, music, sculpture, paint, whatever works for you. Ruminating on the fact that you're alone? probably isn't too helpful. Rejoice in the beauty of choices that you have.


Published Date : 7/6/2018

What did you expect him to be doing with it, print it out and pin it up on a wall?

If you wanted to know specifically what he would be doing with it then you should have asked up front so you could politely decline to provide the pic.

Ask first next time.


Published Date : 9/9/2018

What did you expect him to be doing with it, print it out and pin it up on a wall?

If you wanted to know specifically what he would be doing with it then you should have asked up front so you could politely decline to provide the pic.

Ask first next time.


Published Date : 9/9/2018

You're probably going to find it's been the most productive time of your life! You can finish that novel! Get that degree! Enjoy a new hobby!

Oh, you mean physiologically? Nothing is going to happen to you. really, You may notice more nocturnal emissions than before but nothing is going to fall off or anything like that.

Choosing celibacy is totally up to you.


Published Date : 10/30/2018

You're probably going to find it's been the most productive time of your life! You can finish that novel! Get that degree! Enjoy a new hobby!

Oh, you mean physiologically? Nothing is going to happen to you. really, You may notice more nocturnal emissions than before but nothing is going to fall off or anything like that.

Choosing celibacy is totally up to you.


Published Date : 10/30/2018

When you have intercourse together, how often does your partner have an authentic orgasm (meaning not faked)? Can you answer this honestly?

Masturbation is almost a guaranteed orgasm, if that's what a person is after. Partnered encounters, not so much. If you've been having sex and getting yourself off first and not making sure to assist as best you can for her orgasm, then it might be that she's tired of even trying. She may have resigned to the fact that it's no fun to be an object you get off on/in and decide masturbation is a sure thing.

It's encouraging that you're inquiring. I get the sense you care, though it is coming out in an I'm hurt? way, that's fair too. Perhaps the next time you want to engage sexually with your partner, you do your best to facilitate her orgasm once, maybe twice, maybe three times before you have one - if you have one at all.

Try to up your mental game too. Do you know how she is turned on? Turned on before you even undress? Does she like to be spoiled? Does she like to be told how unique and special she is to you? Does she like little gifts? What can you do to turn your partner on before the clothes come off?

No one says you can't be upset. You can own that perhaps she?s not enjoying the encounters as much as you have and you'll do your best to balance the scales a bit. She may appreciate the effort.

Cheers to you for asking.


Published Date : 1/21/2020

When you have intercourse together, how often does your partner have an authentic orgasm (meaning not faked)? Can you answer this honestly?

Masturbation is almost a guaranteed orgasm, if that's what a person is after. Partnered encounters, not so much. If you've been having sex and getting yourself off first and not making sure to assist as best you can for her orgasm, then it might be that she's tired of even trying. She may have resigned to the fact that it's no fun to be an object you get off on/in and decide masturbation is a sure thing.

It's encouraging that you're inquiring. I get the sense you care, though it is coming out in an I'm hurt? way, that's fair too. Perhaps the next time you want to engage sexually with your partner, you do your best to facilitate her orgasm once, maybe twice, maybe three times before you have one - if you have one at all.

Try to up your mental game too. Do you know how she is turned on? Turned on before you even undress? Does she like to be spoiled? Does she like to be told how unique and special she is to you? Does she like little gifts? What can you do to turn your partner on before the clothes come off?

No one says you can't be upset. You can own that perhaps she?s not enjoying the encounters as much as you have and you'll do your best to balance the scales a bit. She may appreciate the effort.

Cheers to you for asking.


Published Date : 1/21/2020

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