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sexuality Question & Answer


Try to start with your attitude toward your spouse. Bring in more love, compassion, listening, flirty moments, loving, non-sexual touch. Basically, all the thing YOU would want your partner to do to you.

You can approach this two ways: talk about it before hand to get them on board with you or you could try to see if they notice your efforts.

This one can be tricky amd should only be attempted if you?re okay woth going a few days without a response.

If your partner doesn?t respond or reciprocate, then sit down with them to have a talk. You can say that in an effort to get things moving again you have been trying something new but it seems they haven?t noticed and see what?s on their mind. Go in with facts and try not to be hurt or feel rejected. You never know if they?ve had a lot on their mind and your efforts were overlooked.

As we age, there are more things on our minds that we didn?t have when we were younger. Allow for some of that as well.


Published Date : 8/16/2020

Try to start with your attitude toward your spouse. Bring in more love, compassion, listening, flirty moments, loving, non-sexual touch. Basically, all the thing YOU would want your partner to do to you.

You can approach this two ways: talk about it before hand to get them on board with you or you could try to see if they notice your efforts.

This one can be tricky amd should only be attempted if you?re okay woth going a few days without a response.

If your partner doesn?t respond or reciprocate, then sit down with them to have a talk. You can say that in an effort to get things moving again you have been trying something new but it seems they haven?t noticed and see what?s on their mind. Go in with facts and try not to be hurt or feel rejected. You never know if they?ve had a lot on their mind and your efforts were overlooked.

As we age, there are more things on our minds that we didn?t have when we were younger. Allow for some of that as well.


Published Date : 8/16/2020

Ugh. Don't even try.

Virginity is a social construct. You don't need to ?prove your virginity nor be concerned about it at all, truly.

(click here for more of my thoughts on ?virginity?)

If someone is really concerned about it and asking you if you are a virgin?, just ignore them. Let them harass someone else.

Edited to add: Consider this too - how could a man even prove if he was a virgin?? See how bullshit this standard is?That women have to prove this thing? Men can use guilt and shame to make women feel dirty? or ?shameful? if they aren't following this patriarchal construct. Ridiculous.


Published Date : 10/30/2019

Ugh. Don't even try.

Virginity is a social construct. You don't need to ?prove your virginity nor be concerned about it at all, truly.

(click here for more of my thoughts on ?virginity?)

If someone is really concerned about it and asking you if you are a virgin?, just ignore them. Let them harass someone else.

Edited to add: Consider this too - how could a man even prove if he was a virgin?? See how bullshit this standard is?That women have to prove this thing? Men can use guilt and shame to make women feel dirty? or ?shameful? if they aren't following this patriarchal construct. Ridiculous.


Published Date : 10/30/2019

Simply put, It's a myth that your dick should be rock hard and go all night.

Lots of penis owners can maintain an erection for a long time? when they're young. Life has a different plan and developing the understanding that dick hardness comes and goes like waves of an ocean is essential.

Factors that can impact your dick can range from

mental/psychological (shit happens in life, work, relationship, family stress, etc can take you out of the moment) to

physiological (hormone balance, diet, exercise, drug use - Pharma and recreational, etc) to

somatic (body image, how you feel in your body) to

relational issues (resentment, anger, unvoiced issues with your partner, etc) to

emotional (depression, anxiety, etc)

and on and on and on. Young folks don't even think about most of that stuff.

So your question is too broad to give you a personalized answer. Best to seek out someone to help. Like a physician, sex coach, or therapist.


Published Date : 4/11/2020

Simply put, It's a myth that your dick should be rock hard and go all night.

Lots of penis owners can maintain an erection for a long time? when they're young. Life has a different plan and developing the understanding that dick hardness comes and goes like waves of an ocean is essential.

Factors that can impact your dick can range from

mental/psychological (shit happens in life, work, relationship, family stress, etc can take you out of the moment) to

physiological (hormone balance, diet, exercise, drug use - Pharma and recreational, etc) to

somatic (body image, how you feel in your body) to

relational issues (resentment, anger, unvoiced issues with your partner, etc) to

emotional (depression, anxiety, etc)

and on and on and on. Young folks don't even think about most of that stuff.

So your question is too broad to give you a personalized answer. Best to seek out someone to help. Like a physician, sex coach, or therapist.


Published Date : 4/11/2020

Wants you for what exactly? I need to know more. If it's for a relationship or sex, that's tricky. You could ask directly but that comes with some potentially serious and even life threatening risk if the target of your interest is homophobic. I'm sure you are aware that there are Men Who Have Sex With Men (MSM) who look for partners. These are typically men who have sex with men but who do not identify as gay. Perhaps it would be safer to find someone like that if you're interested in having sex with a straight guy.


Published Date : 7/6/2018

Wants you for what exactly? I need to know more. If it's for a relationship or sex, that's tricky. You could ask directly but that comes with some potentially serious and even life threatening risk if the target of your interest is homophobic. I'm sure you are aware that there are Men Who Have Sex With Men (MSM) who look for partners. These are typically men who have sex with men but who do not identify as gay. Perhaps it would be safer to find someone like that if you're interested in having sex with a straight guy.


Published Date : 7/6/2018

When I read that initially it looked like a campaign ad: LIBIDO 2019 lol

Pay attention to diet, exercise, overall fitness level. If you're taking any medications, check with your doctor on the side effects.

Also, check how much non sexual, compassionate human contact you actually get aside from sexual contact. I have a hypothesis about this:

given how touch deprived some of us are these days, and

given some folks think they should have a high libido for sexual activity,

the challenge is to prove the better libido will improve your sexual enjoyment.

My guess is that the thing that improves libido is correcting crappy messages, not just simply having more sex?.

Stay tuned because I'm planning some sex ed classes for the public. Meanwhile I do coaching around this stuff too.


Published Date : 3/19/2019

When I read that initially it looked like a campaign ad: LIBIDO 2019 lol

Pay attention to diet, exercise, overall fitness level. If you're taking any medications, check with your doctor on the side effects.

Also, check how much non sexual, compassionate human contact you actually get aside from sexual contact. I have a hypothesis about this:

given how touch deprived some of us are these days, and

given some folks think they should have a high libido for sexual activity,

the challenge is to prove the better libido will improve your sexual enjoyment.

My guess is that the thing that improves libido is correcting crappy messages, not just simply having more sex?.

Stay tuned because I'm planning some sex ed classes for the public. Meanwhile I do coaching around this stuff too.


Published Date : 3/19/2019

I'm curious why you think the two things you named are really bad sexual urges?? They both seem pretty normal to me.

Is it because you're alone and the world is stressful? Those are exactly two reasons why touching yourself should be allowed. It's soothing. It feels good. And you're not hurting anyone.

I'm not sure what you mean when you say you have intercourse with your bed. It could be because my frame of reference for when people use the word intercourse, they typically mean penis-in-vagina sex.

If you want to stop then change your thinking from touching myself is bad to I'm doing this because I feel ____ and that's okay right now.?

You may be obsessing about it a bit when you're judging this behavior as bad. When you make it forbidden, it becomes erratic and feels out of control. Take control in your mind and you'll eventually conquer this wrong impression that your perfectly healthy urge is bad.

Enjoy the feeling. It's okay to enjoy the feeling. What's not okay is that negative thinking that you're doing something wrong or bad.


Published Date : 7/19/2020

I'm curious why you think the two things you named are really bad sexual urges?? They both seem pretty normal to me.

Is it because you're alone and the world is stressful? Those are exactly two reasons why touching yourself should be allowed. It's soothing. It feels good. And you're not hurting anyone.

I'm not sure what you mean when you say you have intercourse with your bed. It could be because my frame of reference for when people use the word intercourse, they typically mean penis-in-vagina sex.

If you want to stop then change your thinking from touching myself is bad to I'm doing this because I feel ____ and that's okay right now.?

You may be obsessing about it a bit when you're judging this behavior as bad. When you make it forbidden, it becomes erratic and feels out of control. Take control in your mind and you'll eventually conquer this wrong impression that your perfectly healthy urge is bad.

Enjoy the feeling. It's okay to enjoy the feeling. What's not okay is that negative thinking that you're doing something wrong or bad.


Published Date : 7/19/2020

I am not a therapist, but I am a coach who helps folks who enjoy alternative lifestyles as well, You can also head over to the World Association of Sex Coaches (Directory - World Association of Sex Coaches) to look for people who work with alternative lifestyles. Some may specify they are kink-friendly, or poly-aware.

Check them out as well.


Published Date : 5/6/2019

I am not a therapist, but I am a coach who helps folks who enjoy alternative lifestyles as well, You can also head over to the World Association of Sex Coaches (Directory - World Association of Sex Coaches) to look for people who work with alternative lifestyles. Some may specify they are kink-friendly, or poly-aware.

Check them out as well.


Published Date : 5/6/2019

This how often? question is a tricky one. Looking for a magic number is only going to bring angst or frustration.

We've gone through marathons and dry spells. It all depends on what's happening in other areas of our lives. Tons of work. Stress with family. Vacation sex. Etc etc. So many factors that create these lulls when they occur.

If I'm missing it, I might say, hey, I notice we haven't had sex in a while. I wait for an answer. I don't act hurt. I don't pout. I just state the fact. I listen to his response. We work from there. If he's missing sex, same process. Start with the noticing.

We have similar interest in sex so that makes it easy. And because we like each other, we are comfortable talking to each other. I found it tougher to do this in hookups, but I was much less mature and not yet educated in human sexuality.

The right answer is what works for the two of you. There will be times when one wants it and the other doesn't. This isn't always he wants it, she doesn't? (gender doesn't play a role at all really).

Make sure you have someone that can be real with you in response and isn't just trying to please you. Be supportive. Make sure they are confident telling you want they want. Do they even know what they want or are they going along with you? While that's great at first, it's not so great in the long run. If they're doing what you want all the time then it'll be harder for them to get used to asking for it when they want it.


Published Date : 5/17/2019

This how often? question is a tricky one. Looking for a magic number is only going to bring angst or frustration.

We've gone through marathons and dry spells. It all depends on what's happening in other areas of our lives. Tons of work. Stress with family. Vacation sex. Etc etc. So many factors that create these lulls when they occur.

If I'm missing it, I might say, hey, I notice we haven't had sex in a while. I wait for an answer. I don't act hurt. I don't pout. I just state the fact. I listen to his response. We work from there. If he's missing sex, same process. Start with the noticing.

We have similar interest in sex so that makes it easy. And because we like each other, we are comfortable talking to each other. I found it tougher to do this in hookups, but I was much less mature and not yet educated in human sexuality.

The right answer is what works for the two of you. There will be times when one wants it and the other doesn't. This isn't always he wants it, she doesn't? (gender doesn't play a role at all really).

Make sure you have someone that can be real with you in response and isn't just trying to please you. Be supportive. Make sure they are confident telling you want they want. Do they even know what they want or are they going along with you? While that's great at first, it's not so great in the long run. If they're doing what you want all the time then it'll be harder for them to get used to asking for it when they want it.


Published Date : 5/17/2019

You want to prevent this Im not sure you need to prevent this per se. My personal experience (and work with clients) has been that after a honeymoon period, life becomes busy and that desire and impulse begins to fade on its own, naturally.

I'm curious though. Does your husband see this as a nuisance as well?


Published Date : 3/5/2020

You want to prevent this Im not sure you need to prevent this per se. My personal experience (and work with clients) has been that after a honeymoon period, life becomes busy and that desire and impulse begins to fade on its own, naturally.

I'm curious though. Does your husband see this as a nuisance as well?


Published Date : 3/5/2020

I'm sorry you went through this.

it's not your only option. You know you're demisexual - perhaps you can open with that when you look for dates. Someone who is also demisexual (or maybe suspects they are) might be a great partner for you.

Keep looking. Wishing you success


Published Date : 8/13/2020

I'm sorry you went through this.

it's not your only option. You know you're demisexual - perhaps you can open with that when you look for dates. Someone who is also demisexual (or maybe suspects they are) might be a great partner for you.

Keep looking. Wishing you success


Published Date : 8/13/2020

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