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kink Question & Answer


Yup. And he'd call himself a switch.

Even though our culture like to think of men as always dominant, there are plenty of men and women who like both. The damage comes from others (both men and women) judging that men in particular shouldn't be submissive. Thinking that way is just misguided.


Published Date : 9/19/2018

Yup. And he'd call himself a switch.

Even though our culture like to think of men as always dominant, there are plenty of men and women who like both. The damage comes from others (both men and women) judging that men in particular shouldn't be submissive. Thinking that way is just misguided.


Published Date : 9/19/2018

Thanks for the A2A.

No, I do not have any fetishes I've never mentioned to anyone else. As it is, I've got a relationship that enables me to talk about my desires and interests freely with my partner. I'm lucky ??

I've learned about and tried a lot of things. I'm FASCINATED by kinks and fetishes. My education and training has made me and my coaching practice kink-, fetish-, and bdsm-friendly.


Published Date : 5/6/2019

Thanks for the A2A.

No, I do not have any fetishes I've never mentioned to anyone else. As it is, I've got a relationship that enables me to talk about my desires and interests freely with my partner. I'm lucky ??

I've learned about and tried a lot of things. I'm FASCINATED by kinks and fetishes. My education and training has made me and my coaching practice kink-, fetish-, and bdsm-friendly.


Published Date : 5/6/2019

Here's my take: You should never try to convince? someone to do anything sexually that they are not into. I think there's a fine line between convincing and coercion and I don't want either.

The best you can do is sit down and talk about your desires (when you're not immediately in a sexual situation) and you can share your interest in giving him a rim job. Maybe he would be interested to hear what you get out of it. Perhaps you get exquisite pleasure out of the idea of performing that on him. He may not understand what would turn the partner performing the rim job on. He also may have some preconceived notions about this behavior that have kept him from seeking it out.

Make sure to leave your offer open ended (#notasexjoke) and do not put any pressure on him to decide. If he has time and space to process what you think and feel about it, he may decide on his own to try it with you. Hopefully you are open and ready for it if and when he is. And you never know, he may like it too.


Published Date : 11/26/2018

Here's my take: You should never try to convince? someone to do anything sexually that they are not into. I think there's a fine line between convincing and coercion and I don't want either.

The best you can do is sit down and talk about your desires (when you're not immediately in a sexual situation) and you can share your interest in giving him a rim job. Maybe he would be interested to hear what you get out of it. Perhaps you get exquisite pleasure out of the idea of performing that on him. He may not understand what would turn the partner performing the rim job on. He also may have some preconceived notions about this behavior that have kept him from seeking it out.

Make sure to leave your offer open ended (#notasexjoke) and do not put any pressure on him to decide. If he has time and space to process what you think and feel about it, he may decide on his own to try it with you. Hopefully you are open and ready for it if and when he is. And you never know, he may like it too.


Published Date : 11/26/2018

You?re a man who enjoys being submissive to a dominant woman. Yay! Congratulations! There are so many out here like you!

Tell me though who you want to come out to? Family? Friends? Work? Is it really necessary for them to know? Or is it a secret that you cannot bear to hold inside any longer and you?re about to BURST?

One way to come out could be while watching a related movie, like ?The Secretary? (or 50 Shades?). It?s always interesting to discuss a movie after you see it so you could lead with a question like, ?what?d you think about that?? ?That was hot?, or ?whoa, that was cool.? Then, if it feels safe, lead it into saying you?ve been exploring this for yourself lately or whatever.

I?m sure there are probably a few people you are close to who will be receptive and respectful. They?ll likely also be curious. They may ask questions but keep in mind just because you share this aspect of your life you are not obligated to tell everything unless you want to. You can blush and say, ?that part is private? or ?I?m not ready to share that.?

You may also encounter people who will sneer or get judgey when you share this information - these are NOT your people. Make a note of it and move on to find better friends.

I?m so happy for you for finding and identifying something that turns you on. Congrats. Enjoy exploring!


Published Date : 7/25/2018

You?re a man who enjoys being submissive to a dominant woman. Yay! Congratulations! There are so many out here like you!

Tell me though who you want to come out to? Family? Friends? Work? Is it really necessary for them to know? Or is it a secret that you cannot bear to hold inside any longer and you?re about to BURST?

One way to come out could be while watching a related movie, like ?The Secretary? (or 50 Shades?). It?s always interesting to discuss a movie after you see it so you could lead with a question like, ?what?d you think about that?? ?That was hot?, or ?whoa, that was cool.? Then, if it feels safe, lead it into saying you?ve been exploring this for yourself lately or whatever.

I?m sure there are probably a few people you are close to who will be receptive and respectful. They?ll likely also be curious. They may ask questions but keep in mind just because you share this aspect of your life you are not obligated to tell everything unless you want to. You can blush and say, ?that part is private? or ?I?m not ready to share that.?

You may also encounter people who will sneer or get judgey when you share this information - these are NOT your people. Make a note of it and move on to find better friends.

I?m so happy for you for finding and identifying something that turns you on. Congrats. Enjoy exploring!


Published Date : 7/25/2018

So, try having sex with an actual camera rolling?

Role play. Have some fun with it. Don?t think your way to have sex is better than his way to have sex. They?re BOTH hot I?m sure. Just remove your judgment about porn and put yourself into his fantasy. It might take a little acting to get into the scene, but I?m sure you can get there. Then ask to try sex in the way you wish.

Take turns picking what kind of stuff you?d like to try. You say you?re both kinky. Explore what that means to each of you. And don?t yuk each other?s yum if one might be into something the other isn?t. Just be curious about it, not judgmental.

See where it leads you. Have fun!


Published Date : 9/9/2018

So, try having sex with an actual camera rolling?

Role play. Have some fun with it. Don?t think your way to have sex is better than his way to have sex. They?re BOTH hot I?m sure. Just remove your judgment about porn and put yourself into his fantasy. It might take a little acting to get into the scene, but I?m sure you can get there. Then ask to try sex in the way you wish.

Take turns picking what kind of stuff you?d like to try. You say you?re both kinky. Explore what that means to each of you. And don?t yuk each other?s yum if one might be into something the other isn?t. Just be curious about it, not judgmental.

See where it leads you. Have fun!


Published Date : 9/9/2018

(Why do you think it's weird? Did someone tell you it was? I'm curious which one you're talking about now, to be honest. There are plenty of people who like things others don't but it doesn't make them weird.)

I like to use situations outside of the bedroom to start the conversation. For example, if I were into furries, otherkin, or another type of fetish, I might start a conversation using an article in the news or a post that shows up in social media. Ideally, the person will be curious and free of judgmental bias. Then we can start an interesting conversation. Maybe they'll be excited to learn something new. Perhaps even join you to give it a try themselves.

If their attitude is shitty and judgmental then those are not your people.


Published Date : 9/27/2018

(Why do you think it's weird? Did someone tell you it was? I'm curious which one you're talking about now, to be honest. There are plenty of people who like things others don't but it doesn't make them weird.)

I like to use situations outside of the bedroom to start the conversation. For example, if I were into furries, otherkin, or another type of fetish, I might start a conversation using an article in the news or a post that shows up in social media. Ideally, the person will be curious and free of judgmental bias. Then we can start an interesting conversation. Maybe they'll be excited to learn something new. Perhaps even join you to give it a try themselves.

If their attitude is shitty and judgmental then those are not your people.


Published Date : 9/27/2018

You just say, ?cool!?

Then say, ?is it okay if I ask some questions??

If she says yes, here are some suggestions: What was it like? Do you ever wish you were still doing that? What was the best part? What was your least favorite part? Did you make good money? Can you confirm for me what I?ve heard; that it?s not always about ?sex???

Then sit back and listen to the amazing stories.

Don?t try to make it weird just because it?s a different career choice.

Enjoy!


Published Date : 8/11/2018

You just say, ?cool!?

Then say, ?is it okay if I ask some questions??

If she says yes, here are some suggestions: What was it like? Do you ever wish you were still doing that? What was the best part? What was your least favorite part? Did you make good money? Can you confirm for me what I?ve heard; that it?s not always about ?sex???

Then sit back and listen to the amazing stories.

Don?t try to make it weird just because it?s a different career choice.

Enjoy!


Published Date : 8/11/2018

You could ask the reverse question about being the receiver of the biting, scratching, hitting, etc.

Some people are into it, others aren?t. Being into any of these things you listed does not automatically indicate a disorder. And certainly there are plenty of willing partners submissive partners who really dig the interactions from that dominant partner.

I think an excellent book you could read would be Jack Morin?s ?The Erotic Mind? and pay close attention to the idea of a Core Erotic Theme.

Some people think that people who are into BDSM are victims of abuse or abusers. These are people that typically don?t know a whol lot about the scene. Certainly there can be people with that background but it is not the majority. For those who are playing safely, Consent is a HUGE and tremendously essential aspect of the experience.

I discovered that the Sub has more control than I ever thought based only on my limited exposure to Hollywood scripts (Wonder Woman was ALWAYS tied up against her will!!) and catholic background (hello? Jesus being nailed to the cross?). Then I began to study sex (and bdsm) and talked to people who were involved and educated. It?s really quite interesting if you can examine it past that judgment I hear in your question.

One phrase that is popular in sex education circles is, ?Don?t yuk somebody?s yum?. You just never know.

Photo credit to CollegeHumor (website)


Published Date : 8/10/2018

You could ask the reverse question about being the receiver of the biting, scratching, hitting, etc.

Some people are into it, others aren?t. Being into any of these things you listed does not automatically indicate a disorder. And certainly there are plenty of willing partners submissive partners who really dig the interactions from that dominant partner.

I think an excellent book you could read would be Jack Morin?s ?The Erotic Mind? and pay close attention to the idea of a Core Erotic Theme.

Some people think that people who are into BDSM are victims of abuse or abusers. These are people that typically don?t know a whol lot about the scene. Certainly there can be people with that background but it is not the majority. For those who are playing safely, Consent is a HUGE and tremendously essential aspect of the experience.

I discovered that the Sub has more control than I ever thought based only on my limited exposure to Hollywood scripts (Wonder Woman was ALWAYS tied up against her will!!) and catholic background (hello? Jesus being nailed to the cross?). Then I began to study sex (and bdsm) and talked to people who were involved and educated. It?s really quite interesting if you can examine it past that judgment I hear in your question.

One phrase that is popular in sex education circles is, ?Don?t yuk somebody?s yum?. You just never know.

Photo credit to CollegeHumor (website)


Published Date : 8/10/2018

I'm not exactly sure I can pinpoint why this particular person wants to lick your armpits. It is kind of a unique request for a date to ask.

I think if I were in your shoes I'd ask them, in a non-judgmental way, to tell me why they want to lick my armpit? What do they get from it? Why me? Do they request this of people often and how do others react?

If I was comfortable with their answers, then I could proceed to decide if I wanted this person to lick my armpits and then negotiate the terms - like I'd do so only if they had a warm washcloth and dry towel I could use to wipe the saliva off with.

They can ask but you're not obligated to say yes, to the request. If you're open to it, think about what you'd need to make you a YES to their request.


Published Date : 11/21/2018

I'm not exactly sure I can pinpoint why this particular person wants to lick your armpits. It is kind of a unique request for a date to ask.

I think if I were in your shoes I'd ask them, in a non-judgmental way, to tell me why they want to lick my armpit? What do they get from it? Why me? Do they request this of people often and how do others react?

If I was comfortable with their answers, then I could proceed to decide if I wanted this person to lick my armpits and then negotiate the terms - like I'd do so only if they had a warm washcloth and dry towel I could use to wipe the saliva off with.

They can ask but you're not obligated to say yes, to the request. If you're open to it, think about what you'd need to make you a YES to their request.


Published Date : 11/21/2018