Yes, you can be a sexually healthy female if you are masturbating with or without porn. It doesn't matter what kind of porn. It's understandable if you get aroused by gay male porn. Men have a very visible indicator of arousal - their erection - and that can be harder to fake. It may be easier for some female actors to fake arousal and simply perform for the camera - they may or may not be getting pleasure out of their sexual interactions. You may be picking up on that subtle faking distinction. I find the porn that's labeled female centric or produced by female directors or producers tends to be more authentic to portraying female desire*. (*no disrespect to any male directors/producers who have been creating scenarios where female pleasure is the subject, not her as the object - keep at it). Celebrate the fact that you have found something that turns you on. Ignore any messaging that tells you you need to be turned on a certain way. Accept that your pleasure is important however it shows up. (And for the record, I like some gay male porn too.)
Yes, you can be a sexually healthy female if you are masturbating with or without porn. It doesn't matter what kind of porn. It's understandable if you get aroused by gay male porn. Men have a very visible indicator of arousal - their erection - and that can be harder to fake. It may be easier for some female actors to fake arousal and simply perform for the camera - they may or may not be getting pleasure out of their sexual interactions. You may be picking up on that subtle faking distinction. I find the porn that's labeled female centric or produced by female directors or producers tends to be more authentic to portraying female desire*. (*no disrespect to any male directors/producers who have been creating scenarios where female pleasure is the subject, not her as the object - keep at it). Celebrate the fact that you have found something that turns you on. Ignore any messaging that tells you you need to be turned on a certain way. Accept that your pleasure is important however it shows up. (And for the record, I like some gay male porn too.)
No.
?Virginity? is traditionally defined as ?lost? when a penis enters a vagina.
?Virginity? is also a social construct. It?s an arbitrary marker that is rooted in heterosexism and patriarchy.
I prefer the concept of a ?sexual debut.? One where YOU get to define when you become sexual (otherwise known as ?losing your virginity?). If using a dildo marks the beginning of your sexual experiences, great! If your first orgasm with a partner does, that?s fine too. You could have many sexual debuts. And none of them take anything away from you.
No.
?Virginity? is traditionally defined as ?lost? when a penis enters a vagina.
?Virginity? is also a social construct. It?s an arbitrary marker that is rooted in heterosexism and patriarchy.
I prefer the concept of a ?sexual debut.? One where YOU get to define when you become sexual (otherwise known as ?losing your virginity?). If using a dildo marks the beginning of your sexual experiences, great! If your first orgasm with a partner does, that?s fine too. You could have many sexual debuts. And none of them take anything away from you.
I probably did but I have no memory of it. I know though that I grew up with a lot of guilt about masturbation. The phrase only nasty, naughty, dirty girls do that? seems burned into my brain.
What people fail to consider is that masturbation feels good. It relieves anxiety and can be very soothing. Catching a child innocently putting a hand to their genitals isn't the same orgasm focused behavior we associate to adulthood. Children don't need to be yelled at or embarrassed for doing what feels natural to them. Typically, parents can verbally redirect them and add instructions that 1. their hands should be clean and 2. that they can do that in the privacy of their own room or bathroom.
I wish fewer people were shamed around this topic in childhood.
I probably did but I have no memory of it. I know though that I grew up with a lot of guilt about masturbation. The phrase only nasty, naughty, dirty girls do that? seems burned into my brain.
What people fail to consider is that masturbation feels good. It relieves anxiety and can be very soothing. Catching a child innocently putting a hand to their genitals isn't the same orgasm focused behavior we associate to adulthood. Children don't need to be yelled at or embarrassed for doing what feels natural to them. Typically, parents can verbally redirect them and add instructions that 1. their hands should be clean and 2. that they can do that in the privacy of their own room or bathroom.
I wish fewer people were shamed around this topic in childhood.
I'm curious why you think the two things you named are really bad sexual urges?? They both seem pretty normal to me.
Is it because you're alone and the world is stressful? Those are exactly two reasons why touching yourself should be allowed. It's soothing. It feels good. And you're not hurting anyone.
I'm not sure what you mean when you say you have intercourse with your bed. It could be because my frame of reference for when people use the word intercourse, they typically mean penis-in-vagina sex.
If you want to stop then change your thinking from touching myself is bad to I'm doing this because I feel ____ and that's okay right now.?
You may be obsessing about it a bit when you're judging this behavior as bad. When you make it forbidden, it becomes erratic and feels out of control. Take control in your mind and you'll eventually conquer this wrong impression that your perfectly healthy urge is bad.
Enjoy the feeling. It's okay to enjoy the feeling. What's not okay is that negative thinking that you're doing something wrong or bad.
I'm curious why you think the two things you named are really bad sexual urges?? They both seem pretty normal to me.
Is it because you're alone and the world is stressful? Those are exactly two reasons why touching yourself should be allowed. It's soothing. It feels good. And you're not hurting anyone.
I'm not sure what you mean when you say you have intercourse with your bed. It could be because my frame of reference for when people use the word intercourse, they typically mean penis-in-vagina sex.
If you want to stop then change your thinking from touching myself is bad to I'm doing this because I feel ____ and that's okay right now.?
You may be obsessing about it a bit when you're judging this behavior as bad. When you make it forbidden, it becomes erratic and feels out of control. Take control in your mind and you'll eventually conquer this wrong impression that your perfectly healthy urge is bad.
Enjoy the feeling. It's okay to enjoy the feeling. What's not okay is that negative thinking that you're doing something wrong or bad.
I'm okay with that so long as it's not the same individual woman all the time and things don't progress into interaction with that woman IRL.
I cannot control who he thinks about and making it taboo for him to think of others makes actually thinking of others that much more of a thrill.
I'd expect that if my bf or husband wanted to take things to a real-world interaction with another woman that we'd have a conversation first. Talking first just seems respectful if we've been in a committed, monogamous relationship up to that point.
I'm okay with that so long as it's not the same individual woman all the time and things don't progress into interaction with that woman IRL.
I cannot control who he thinks about and making it taboo for him to think of others makes actually thinking of others that much more of a thrill.
I'd expect that if my bf or husband wanted to take things to a real-world interaction with another woman that we'd have a conversation first. Talking first just seems respectful if we've been in a committed, monogamous relationship up to that point.
Don't worry about how much you masturbate at this point. Masturbation is a form of self soothing. It feels good, right. And it sounds like right now you're mourning the loss. So forgive the ourself a bit. And I hear you that Porn can be expensive- You could change it up by reading erotica or finding an adult magazine or two that suits you instead.
I would encourage you to find activities that get you out of the house and doing other things you enjoy. Movies,Books, Dinner out with your friends. Hiking in nature, Take a class. It's okay to ask for some company from your friends. If you're recently divorced they might not know how they could help you through this. Ask them for suggestions of things to do too. I'm sure there are many other things you can do with your time that may also serve to help you get her off your mind.
Of course you're afraid to be in love again. You hurt your heart. Just know that it does get better with time - you'll just need to take some inspired action in the meantime to start focusing on something else for a while.
Don't worry about how much you masturbate at this point. Masturbation is a form of self soothing. It feels good, right. And it sounds like right now you're mourning the loss. So forgive the ourself a bit. And I hear you that Porn can be expensive- You could change it up by reading erotica or finding an adult magazine or two that suits you instead.
I would encourage you to find activities that get you out of the house and doing other things you enjoy. Movies,Books, Dinner out with your friends. Hiking in nature, Take a class. It's okay to ask for some company from your friends. If you're recently divorced they might not know how they could help you through this. Ask them for suggestions of things to do too. I'm sure there are many other things you can do with your time that may also serve to help you get her off your mind.
Of course you're afraid to be in love again. You hurt your heart. Just know that it does get better with time - you'll just need to take some inspired action in the meantime to start focusing on something else for a while.
Ok, whew. That was a lot. I feel very sorry for your son right now. You've got some apologies to do.
But first, I have a some questions for you:
Had you already talked to him about masturbation - where and when that's appropriate and any hygiene tips like keeping his hands clean and disposing of tissues or laundering towels after? Because if you haven't, now is the time.
Is your son developmentally at the age of an 11 year old? If he's not, he may not understand this behavior is unacceptable in front of other people.
What were y'all doing it when it happened ?Watching TV? Sometimes folks unconsciously fiddle with their hair, clothes, etc. when they watch TV. Your son may not have known what he was doing and was probably doing this unconsciously because it feels good.
Now, to the apologies.
Son, I'm sorry I blew up at you when you were touching yourself the other day. It took me by surprise and my reaction was to yell at you the way adults around me did to me when I was young. There is nothing wrong with you masturbating. There are a few guidelines you should learn so doing this doesn't get you in trouble with others in the future?? (see the partial list above).
You're right that it is rude and disrespectful to do that in front of other folks. This can also be a lesson about consent in that you didn't consent to see that.
But if you don't go back and mend this ASAP, then you've just heaped years worth of therapy and potential future sexual performance and relationship problems onto your poor, unassuming son.
Lanae
p.s. If you want help unlearning the attitudes and messages about sex, look for a qualified sex coach (like me).
Ok, whew. That was a lot. I feel very sorry for your son right now. You've got some apologies to do.
But first, I have a some questions for you:
Had you already talked to him about masturbation - where and when that's appropriate and any hygiene tips like keeping his hands clean and disposing of tissues or laundering towels after? Because if you haven't, now is the time.
Is your son developmentally at the age of an 11 year old? If he's not, he may not understand this behavior is unacceptable in front of other people.
What were y'all doing it when it happened ?Watching TV? Sometimes folks unconsciously fiddle with their hair, clothes, etc. when they watch TV. Your son may not have known what he was doing and was probably doing this unconsciously because it feels good.
Now, to the apologies.
Son, I'm sorry I blew up at you when you were touching yourself the other day. It took me by surprise and my reaction was to yell at you the way adults around me did to me when I was young. There is nothing wrong with you masturbating. There are a few guidelines you should learn so doing this doesn't get you in trouble with others in the future?? (see the partial list above).
You're right that it is rude and disrespectful to do that in front of other folks. This can also be a lesson about consent in that you didn't consent to see that.
But if you don't go back and mend this ASAP, then you've just heaped years worth of therapy and potential future sexual performance and relationship problems onto your poor, unassuming son.
Lanae
p.s. If you want help unlearning the attitudes and messages about sex, look for a qualified sex coach (like me).
Weird feelings?? Must be like the weird feelings I have about hearing why you think her taking birth control is any of your business.
Sure you could stop liking her. That's your prerogative.
I challenge you to examine why you would stop liking someone because she is on birth control. Do you actually know the reason she is using birth control or are you making an assumption? Did you know there are other health benefits women get out of using birth control besides preventing pregnancy? Maybe you could do a bit of research to find out the many ways birth control helps and how.
Even if using birth control is to solely to prevent pregnancy then good for her! She must have values, goals, and plans for what she wants to accomplish with her life before she decides to have a baby.
If you cannot or don't want to understand the steps a woman will take to care for her sexual health, then you're better off focusing your attention elsewhere. Let her do her thing.
Weird feelings?? Must be like the weird feelings I have about hearing why you think her taking birth control is any of your business.
Sure you could stop liking her. That's your prerogative.
I challenge you to examine why you would stop liking someone because she is on birth control. Do you actually know the reason she is using birth control or are you making an assumption? Did you know there are other health benefits women get out of using birth control besides preventing pregnancy? Maybe you could do a bit of research to find out the many ways birth control helps and how.
Even if using birth control is to solely to prevent pregnancy then good for her! She must have values, goals, and plans for what she wants to accomplish with her life before she decides to have a baby.
If you cannot or don't want to understand the steps a woman will take to care for her sexual health, then you're better off focusing your attention elsewhere. Let her do her thing.
Sounds like an amazing routine. I'm curious; Do you do more forms of exercise on a routine basis as well? Are you single or partnered? Was this your goal or did it just happen? Do you limit yourself to once?
I wish there were better records/research done that document health habits like this. Because the genitals are full of spongy bodies that fill with blood upon arousal, i'm curious about your heart health. I've personally found orgasms to be good for my heart (anecdotally, of course).
Potential aide effects could be chafing (but you can use lube for that), boredom with the stimuli you use (but you can read some erotica or listen to erotica, or try to exercise your imagination to vary the input sensors), or building up the muscles in only one arm (but you can try to switch arms or use toys to help). All totally manageable.
As long as you can keep any embarrassment or guilt pertaining to this habit out of the picture, as well as ignoring any judgment from others, I think you'll be fine.
Sounds like an amazing routine. I'm curious; Do you do more forms of exercise on a routine basis as well? Are you single or partnered? Was this your goal or did it just happen? Do you limit yourself to once?
I wish there were better records/research done that document health habits like this. Because the genitals are full of spongy bodies that fill with blood upon arousal, i'm curious about your heart health. I've personally found orgasms to be good for my heart (anecdotally, of course).
Potential aide effects could be chafing (but you can use lube for that), boredom with the stimuli you use (but you can read some erotica or listen to erotica, or try to exercise your imagination to vary the input sensors), or building up the muscles in only one arm (but you can try to switch arms or use toys to help). All totally manageable.
As long as you can keep any embarrassment or guilt pertaining to this habit out of the picture, as well as ignoring any judgment from others, I think you'll be fine.
I think it can be. It's not necessary but it could help.
Some folks find it hard to focus on getting to know the other person they're on the date with if they're solely focused on boning. People of all genders can feel this way, btw.
Also, figure out what it is you want to achieve out of the date. Is it taking this person home with you because you just have to have sex? Is it to try to find a person you want to start a relationship with? Something in between? Any of those are valid and super helpful to know going in. Maybe you can articulate that with the person on the date to see if they want the same thing as you.
Having just had an orgasm before the date might give you the clarity you can use.
I think it can be. It's not necessary but it could help.
Some folks find it hard to focus on getting to know the other person they're on the date with if they're solely focused on boning. People of all genders can feel this way, btw.
Also, figure out what it is you want to achieve out of the date. Is it taking this person home with you because you just have to have sex? Is it to try to find a person you want to start a relationship with? Something in between? Any of those are valid and super helpful to know going in. Maybe you can articulate that with the person on the date to see if they want the same thing as you.
Having just had an orgasm before the date might give you the clarity you can use.