What? No.
What makes a person unattractive is insecurity and a lack of confidence. In fact, those two things together make you an easy target for exactly the WRONG person who would want to date you. They would see you as easy prey. It can be a set up for all kinds of unhealthy relationship habits.
Do what you can to try to identify what qualities you would like in a partner and see how much of those qualities you have to offer. If you're lacking, think of ways you can change that. For example, If you're low on self esteem, maybe hang out with people who build each other up instead of people who reply sarcastically.
I notice your question sounds like it's coming from a place of shaming yourself for where you are. There is NOTHING wrong with not yet having a romantic relationship. You are a whole person already WITHOUT a partner. Our crappy culture gives boys and girls this message that they should already be partnered from the youngest age and it's just weird.
Make friends with folks who help you be your best self and that ideal person just might show up when you least expect it.
What? No.
What makes a person unattractive is insecurity and a lack of confidence. In fact, those two things together make you an easy target for exactly the WRONG person who would want to date you. They would see you as easy prey. It can be a set up for all kinds of unhealthy relationship habits.
Do what you can to try to identify what qualities you would like in a partner and see how much of those qualities you have to offer. If you're lacking, think of ways you can change that. For example, If you're low on self esteem, maybe hang out with people who build each other up instead of people who reply sarcastically.
I notice your question sounds like it's coming from a place of shaming yourself for where you are. There is NOTHING wrong with not yet having a romantic relationship. You are a whole person already WITHOUT a partner. Our crappy culture gives boys and girls this message that they should already be partnered from the youngest age and it's just weird.
Make friends with folks who help you be your best self and that ideal person just might show up when you least expect it.
Eh, forget that guy.
Why is he mad? He's just bitter because you won't have sex with him, and he assumes that if you liked him you'd be more likely to have sex with him.
He could also be saying he's mad to manipulate you to have sex with him, playing on a notion that you wouldn't want to make him mad at you. (See how screwed up that is??) A manipulation, pure and simple.
Fuck that guy (but not literally).
Eh, forget that guy.
Why is he mad? He's just bitter because you won't have sex with him, and he assumes that if you liked him you'd be more likely to have sex with him.
He could also be saying he's mad to manipulate you to have sex with him, playing on a notion that you wouldn't want to make him mad at you. (See how screwed up that is??) A manipulation, pure and simple.
Fuck that guy (but not literally).
Relax. There could be any reason he said thank you. At least he's appreciative. Screaming and running away from you would have been worse. I'm sure it took him by surprise. Besides, even Han Solo messed up that response with Princess Leia the first time. Let me share a little story: This actually happened to me with a guy I was dating once. I told him that I thought I was falling in love with him - of course lots of alcohol was involved. He said, hmm. I was kicking myself! Omg. What did I say? I ruined it! But at the same time I was saying to myself, you know what? That is really how I feel. If he can't handle me speaking truthfully then he's not the one for me. I called him to the next morning to explain: it was less .I want to get engaged and get married and more. I can see spending a lot more time with you. He thanked me for the clarification. He told me that the woman he'd recently dated gave him an ultimatum and he wasn't ready to commit just yet. We kept in contact, but weren't dating. We developed a friendship over time. Six months later, after we'd both dated other people, we decided to start spending more time together. Well, I started inviting him to join me to a bunch of events with me and my friends and he accepted. He jokes that I filled up his social calendar. Eventually, one night he said to me, you know I love you. He wasn't used to saying, I love you and this was his way of saying it. It's now been about 5 years and we are still together. And we do say I love you to each other daily now. I'm not saying your situation will end up like this but I want to illustrate that I didn't beat myself up about it. You shouldn't either. I understand how it feels like rejection and that sucks. Give yourself credit for putting your feelings out there. If he is mean in any way to you as a result of you sharing this vulnerability, then f*ck that guy. (But not literally. He doesn?t deserve you for sure!) Trust me that someone who is capable of a healthy relationship can and will reciprocate your feelings when the time is right. Take this time to examine for yourself what love is. What does it mean to you? Is it conditional? Unconditional? How do you show up in the relationship? How does he? What are your models for loving relationships? Are they healthy examples (for example, the movie Twilight has some messed up examples and probably shouldn?t be your model). In the classes I teach when we talk about love, we talk about concepts like proximity (as physical closeness, not sexual closeness), similarity (having similar goals and aspirations), physical attractiveness, and reciprocity (doing nice things for each other, that's it's not just one sided). We also talk about Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love - Intimacy, Passion, Committment, and Consummate Love. Google it and see where you would put yourself. Again, try not to stress out. Just breathe. And notice that what you fell in love with in him is probably a part of you that you can love too.
Relax. There could be any reason he said thank you. At least he's appreciative. Screaming and running away from you would have been worse. I'm sure it took him by surprise. Besides, even Han Solo messed up that response with Princess Leia the first time. Let me share a little story: This actually happened to me with a guy I was dating once. I told him that I thought I was falling in love with him - of course lots of alcohol was involved. He said, hmm. I was kicking myself! Omg. What did I say? I ruined it! But at the same time I was saying to myself, you know what? That is really how I feel. If he can't handle me speaking truthfully then he's not the one for me. I called him to the next morning to explain: it was less .I want to get engaged and get married and more. I can see spending a lot more time with you. He thanked me for the clarification. He told me that the woman he'd recently dated gave him an ultimatum and he wasn't ready to commit just yet. We kept in contact, but weren't dating. We developed a friendship over time. Six months later, after we'd both dated other people, we decided to start spending more time together. Well, I started inviting him to join me to a bunch of events with me and my friends and he accepted. He jokes that I filled up his social calendar. Eventually, one night he said to me, you know I love you. He wasn't used to saying, I love you and this was his way of saying it. It's now been about 5 years and we are still together. And we do say I love you to each other daily now. I'm not saying your situation will end up like this but I want to illustrate that I didn't beat myself up about it. You shouldn't either. I understand how it feels like rejection and that sucks. Give yourself credit for putting your feelings out there. If he is mean in any way to you as a result of you sharing this vulnerability, then f*ck that guy. (But not literally. He doesn?t deserve you for sure!) Trust me that someone who is capable of a healthy relationship can and will reciprocate your feelings when the time is right. Take this time to examine for yourself what love is. What does it mean to you? Is it conditional? Unconditional? How do you show up in the relationship? How does he? What are your models for loving relationships? Are they healthy examples (for example, the movie Twilight has some messed up examples and probably shouldn?t be your model). In the classes I teach when we talk about love, we talk about concepts like proximity (as physical closeness, not sexual closeness), similarity (having similar goals and aspirations), physical attractiveness, and reciprocity (doing nice things for each other, that's it's not just one sided). We also talk about Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love - Intimacy, Passion, Committment, and Consummate Love. Google it and see where you would put yourself. Again, try not to stress out. Just breathe. And notice that what you fell in love with in him is probably a part of you that you can love too.
Umm. How are you making this about you?
Your wife married someone she presumably loved and that person died. How is she feeling about that loss? It is a little strange that it didn?t come up before but maybe the event was very depressing, sad, traumatic for her and she doesn?t like to discuss it.
I understand your feeling betrayed to some extent, but hurt? Why? If it?s because you don?t want to think of your wife with another man, get over it.
What should you do? Take a moment and consider her. Consider maybe she didn?t tell you because she sensed you?d act like you are right now. We pick up on microexpressions and microreactions from our partners all the time. If you?re not a ?safe? person to open up to, then I likely wouldn?t have told you either.
Ask her if she wants to talk about it. Then maybe you can begin to ask the NONJUDGMENTAL questions about why she didn?t tell you. You?re not getting anywhere if you come at her with all of your hurt, betrayal, lack of trust. LISTEN with your heart and have some compassion for your love who lost someone close to her.
It may make sense to go to a therapist to figure out how to process the emotions coming up for you AND figure out how to talk to her about this in a nonconfrontational way.
Umm. How are you making this about you?
Your wife married someone she presumably loved and that person died. How is she feeling about that loss? It is a little strange that it didn?t come up before but maybe the event was very depressing, sad, traumatic for her and she doesn?t like to discuss it.
I understand your feeling betrayed to some extent, but hurt? Why? If it?s because you don?t want to think of your wife with another man, get over it.
What should you do? Take a moment and consider her. Consider maybe she didn?t tell you because she sensed you?d act like you are right now. We pick up on microexpressions and microreactions from our partners all the time. If you?re not a ?safe? person to open up to, then I likely wouldn?t have told you either.
Ask her if she wants to talk about it. Then maybe you can begin to ask the NONJUDGMENTAL questions about why she didn?t tell you. You?re not getting anywhere if you come at her with all of your hurt, betrayal, lack of trust. LISTEN with your heart and have some compassion for your love who lost someone close to her.
It may make sense to go to a therapist to figure out how to process the emotions coming up for you AND figure out how to talk to her about this in a nonconfrontational way.
Suddenly?? How long has it been since you last had communication?
My take, He's prepping a back up plan. You're his Plan B. Fuck that. Ignore and delete. No need to engage. He's likely cheating on her now. Seems he doesn't have good boundaries and you don't need to get sucked in to that.
Suddenly?? How long has it been since you last had communication?
My take, He's prepping a back up plan. You're his Plan B. Fuck that. Ignore and delete. No need to engage. He's likely cheating on her now. Seems he doesn't have good boundaries and you don't need to get sucked in to that.
Honey, I don't think it's up to you to become better. If you can't trust him then I'm afraid the relationship is lost.
Of course you've become controlling. That's a natural reaction to your situation. It's not a healthy one, but it's pretty common after such betrayal.
I personally think if he was the cheater (and he agrees your relationship should continue) then he's obligated to change his cheating behavior to make it work. That means he acts in ways that give you some assurances that he can be trusted again. Same would apply if a woman was the cheater.
Breaking down the reasons why he cheated or identifying the opportunities he took to cheat could help him notice if he's feeling the need again. I don't know him but I'm sure his cheating wasn't about you at all (even though it feels hella disrespectful) but was completely about him figuring something out about himself.
Don't beat yourself up or think YOURE the problem here. His behavior brought this on and he's the one who should be asking Quora what he can do to be better.
Honey, I don't think it's up to you to become better. If you can't trust him then I'm afraid the relationship is lost.
Of course you've become controlling. That's a natural reaction to your situation. It's not a healthy one, but it's pretty common after such betrayal.
I personally think if he was the cheater (and he agrees your relationship should continue) then he's obligated to change his cheating behavior to make it work. That means he acts in ways that give you some assurances that he can be trusted again. Same would apply if a woman was the cheater.
Breaking down the reasons why he cheated or identifying the opportunities he took to cheat could help him notice if he's feeling the need again. I don't know him but I'm sure his cheating wasn't about you at all (even though it feels hella disrespectful) but was completely about him figuring something out about himself.
Don't beat yourself up or think YOURE the problem here. His behavior brought this on and he's the one who should be asking Quora what he can do to be better.
I'd say the best person to ask would be your partner. In my opinion, the two of you can come up with any solution you can both agree to as long as neither of you have felt coerced in making the agreement. You are not obligated to do what other people do just because that's the way it is. I presume you are both smart, respectful, consenting adults who can communicate your feelings, and you will need to, especially when it comes to the time when one or both of you feel a need to renegotiate your relationship agreement. Some people are fine with going along in a relationship leaving things left unsaid. To me, I feel the question you pose boils down to respect. I personally would prefer to explicitly outline some needs, wants, and desires as well as expectations. My partner doesn't have to meet all of those or even do as I wish. We all have free will. Only I get to decide which of my list would be dealbreakers if not met. It may happen that some people will fail to uphold their end of the bargain. You could even calculate what you will do if / when someone violates your relationship agreement. I would say the only obligation you have to your partner would be to communicate. When communication stops, then the relationship is usually headed for trouble.
I'd say the best person to ask would be your partner. In my opinion, the two of you can come up with any solution you can both agree to as long as neither of you have felt coerced in making the agreement. You are not obligated to do what other people do just because that's the way it is. I presume you are both smart, respectful, consenting adults who can communicate your feelings, and you will need to, especially when it comes to the time when one or both of you feel a need to renegotiate your relationship agreement. Some people are fine with going along in a relationship leaving things left unsaid. To me, I feel the question you pose boils down to respect. I personally would prefer to explicitly outline some needs, wants, and desires as well as expectations. My partner doesn't have to meet all of those or even do as I wish. We all have free will. Only I get to decide which of my list would be dealbreakers if not met. It may happen that some people will fail to uphold their end of the bargain. You could even calculate what you will do if / when someone violates your relationship agreement. I would say the only obligation you have to your partner would be to communicate. When communication stops, then the relationship is usually headed for trouble.
Does Christianity preclude consent?
I?m not an expert in Christianity (I was raised Roman Catholic) but what phrase in the Bible has you thinking having sex with a bed ridden husband is a requirement?
Regardless of your religion, I believe you are not required to do anything, sexually or otherwise, that grosses you out. Your body, your choice. Otherwise, it?s a form of indentured servitude.
Does Christianity preclude consent?
I?m not an expert in Christianity (I was raised Roman Catholic) but what phrase in the Bible has you thinking having sex with a bed ridden husband is a requirement?
Regardless of your religion, I believe you are not required to do anything, sexually or otherwise, that grosses you out. Your body, your choice. Otherwise, it?s a form of indentured servitude.
Let me clarify first, I have no experience marrying a divorcee Indian lady. I am a divorcee Native American (we were called American Indians, when I was growing up). But I'm not yet remarried either. Some caveats: I can't speak for all divorcees, nor all Native women either. And this advice isn't limited to folks who are interested in divorcees. If you've never been married, check to see that you have realistic expectations about what marriage is. Where did you get the messages ? Are they helpful or harmful? Also, make sure your communication skills are TOP NOTCH. There's no shame in getting help from a couples counselor or therapist early on if you need it - it's like getting a tune up on your car and can be really worth the money. No marriage is like a Hollywood movie with fairy tale endings. There will be problems and disappointments. If you notice resentment building, figure out where it comes from and work through it. Don't let it build up. If you let it and the dam finally breaks, it's going to suck. If you are marrying a divorcee (and especially if she has kids), she may also have an ex-husband in the picture. Hopefully that relationship is respectful and focused on the common good for the kids, and not using the kids to get back at each other. You may need to be emotionally supportive to her if it's not. And if there are kids, be kind and compassionate to them. Those are just a few thoughts. I?m not sure if that's what you wanted from me but it's the best I could do at answering your question.
Let me clarify first, I have no experience marrying a divorcee Indian lady. I am a divorcee Native American (we were called American Indians, when I was growing up). But I'm not yet remarried either. Some caveats: I can't speak for all divorcees, nor all Native women either. And this advice isn't limited to folks who are interested in divorcees. If you've never been married, check to see that you have realistic expectations about what marriage is. Where did you get the messages ? Are they helpful or harmful? Also, make sure your communication skills are TOP NOTCH. There's no shame in getting help from a couples counselor or therapist early on if you need it - it's like getting a tune up on your car and can be really worth the money. No marriage is like a Hollywood movie with fairy tale endings. There will be problems and disappointments. If you notice resentment building, figure out where it comes from and work through it. Don't let it build up. If you let it and the dam finally breaks, it's going to suck. If you are marrying a divorcee (and especially if she has kids), she may also have an ex-husband in the picture. Hopefully that relationship is respectful and focused on the common good for the kids, and not using the kids to get back at each other. You may need to be emotionally supportive to her if it's not. And if there are kids, be kind and compassionate to them. Those are just a few thoughts. I?m not sure if that's what you wanted from me but it's the best I could do at answering your question.
Thank you for the A2A
Boy, is this a contentious topic. Even David Beckham got a lot of heat for doing this.
Let's start with defining the behavior. Closed mouth kissing on the lips of the face is not SEX. Sure, kisses are intimate but they're not always sexual.
What does it say about a culture that views parents innocently kissing their children and looks at it as inappropriate? In my mind, it's waaay too fixated on sexualizing children and hyper scared of pedophiles. Yet when pedophilia is actually happening, folks don?t do anything!
I want to be clear. None of the kisses I see parents do are open mouthed, nor deep kissing or French kissing with tongue. That's crossing a definite line. As long as the parents aren't doing that or otherwise ushering in their children into sexual situations, I see no harm in a simple kiss (on the lips of their face).
The child may get embarrassed and decide when to stop kissing their parents. It's up to the family to decide, including the child. Some will kiss, others won't.
Thank you for the A2A
Boy, is this a contentious topic. Even David Beckham got a lot of heat for doing this.
Let's start with defining the behavior. Closed mouth kissing on the lips of the face is not SEX. Sure, kisses are intimate but they're not always sexual.
What does it say about a culture that views parents innocently kissing their children and looks at it as inappropriate? In my mind, it's waaay too fixated on sexualizing children and hyper scared of pedophiles. Yet when pedophilia is actually happening, folks don?t do anything!
I want to be clear. None of the kisses I see parents do are open mouthed, nor deep kissing or French kissing with tongue. That's crossing a definite line. As long as the parents aren't doing that or otherwise ushering in their children into sexual situations, I see no harm in a simple kiss (on the lips of their face).
The child may get embarrassed and decide when to stop kissing their parents. It's up to the family to decide, including the child. Some will kiss, others won't.