The Secret Sauce to Lasting Relationships? Hint: It’s Not Just Chemistry!

Posted in   Blog, The MamaSutra   on  September 15, 2023 by  The MamaSutra minutes remaining

You know those movie scenes where two starry-eyed lovers lock eyes across the room and bam! — instant electrifying connection? Yeah, we’ve been fed that narrative a thousand times. But for real? For lasting relationships? Attraction is your appetizer, shared values are the main course.

I recently had a discovery call with someone who opened up about his journey through multiple marriages. He candidly shared that in his younger years, he placed a significant emphasis on attraction, almost missing out on something crucial. As it turns out, the real magic, the secret sauce, all boiled down to aligning values.

It’s a story that resonates deeply. Contrary to what we might be led to believe, relationships aren’t built solely on chemistry and attraction. The foundation is formed by values that align, goals that sync, and aspirations that harmonize.

The MamaSutra's Touch Lab Cheat Sheet lasting relationships

Beyond the Spark

Sure, sparks flying around like a fireworks display is a great kickoff to any love story. It’s the heartbeat-racing, butterfly-inducing magic that scribbles the first lines of a romance novel. But honey, let me tell you, the blockbuster love story unfolds in the unison of shared dreams, echoed laughter over silly inside jokes, and that warm, fuzzy feeling when you realize, “Hey, this person gets me!”

Let’s dive into a vital aspect he highlighted and explore how we can all benefit from this revelation:

Attraction Isn’t Everything

Attraction is undoubtedly magnetic, but it’s not the only force at play. Look beyond the hot dates and the swoon-worthy moments. It’s time to play detective in the movie of your life. Grab your magnifying glass and go on a values-hunt.

Think of it like shopping for the perfect pair of jeans. You’re not just looking for the ones that look gorgeous on the hanger, you’re looking for the ones that feel just right, that fit like they were made for you, showcasing your spectacular self in all your glory.

What This Means for You

If you’re embarking on a new relationship or seeking to strengthen an existing one, consider this powerful insight. Dig beneath the surface, beyond the “rizz”, and explore the compatibility of values. Look for someone who aligns with your beliefs, aspirations, and principles.

Reflect and Reframe

Reflect on your own journey. Have there been times when you allowed their looks to overshadow their essence? It’s never too late to reframe your approach. Embrace the wisdom of shared values and allow them to guide your path toward lasting relationships.

Remember, attraction might be what draws us in, but ultimately, it’s the shared values that hold us close. By prioritizing this often-overlooked aspect, you’re nurturing a connection that goes beyond fleeting infatuation.



P.S., Want something to help you break all this down? I’ve got a free values clarification PDF that’s set to be your trusty guide. Consider it a personal roadmap to a romance.

About the Author The MamaSutra

Dr. Lanae St.John is a Diplomate of the American Board of Sexology and certified sex coach with a background in sexology and a passion for helping people improve their sexual health and relationships. She is the author of "Read Me: A Parental Primer for "The Talk"" and the upcoming "You Are the One: How stopping the search and looking inside will lead you to your romantic destiny," and is committed to staying up-to-date on the latest research and trends in the field. Dr. St.John aims to share her knowledge and expertise in a relatable and approachable way through her blog on

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