So, you’ve finally met someone who seems like relationship material. You’re scanning the horizon, looking for any giant red flags you might have missed in the past, and you don’t see…any.
When I work with people who have just met someone they’re interested in or are on the verge of falling in love, they pretty much all ask me the same thing:
Is no red flags actually…a red flag?
I always find this to be a super interesting question, and I like to respond with more questions to get more information.
How much time have you spent with this person? And what kinds of things have you done together? In other words, how thoroughly have you examined them? If you’ve done a good job with your due diligence then I don’t think the absence of red flags is a red flag. That sounds like messaging from a skeptic or commitment phobe.
Much like chemistry isn’t a tangible, measurable quality, sensing how you feel in your gut about this person isn’t tangible either but that doesn’t make it any less important. It’s important to be tuned in to your body and check in with yourself to see what you sense about this person. Being sober for this helps a lot in my experience.
Identify what is important to you in a relationship then spend some time trying to identify how you will know it in the real world if you see it. For example, if you want someone who is honest, you get to weigh how you want to proceed the first time they lie to you. That might be a good opportunity to get out before you get too attached to them, and they’ve learned they can lie to you and get away with it. Context is important, especially.
Ultimately, the only person who can spot a red flag is you. I can tell you what to look for, but you have to notice it.
You might be thinking, Lanae, I need all the help I can get with relationships. I can’t tell a green flag from a red one. I hear you. And in the next few weeks, I’ll be announcing an opportunity to revisit your relationships, your sex life, and make both as healthy as they can be!
Speaking of, I’m hosting a new online program CURED to help men dealing with erectile dysfunction. Get all the information in here. Forward it to a friend, a partner, your buddy who is embarrassed and wants a safe space to get CurEd. (See what I did there?)