A girlfriend of mine (and fellow mother) related a story to me about a recent sexual encounter she recently had.
**Explicit content** – relatively speaking 🙂
She and her partner were having sex one evening. The two of them proceeded to get a little rougher in their play than normal. It was at the point where they were having penile/ vaginal intercourse “doggy style” when he started to gently tug her hair. She told me she really liked it and started moaning loudly in ecstasy. As he heard her getting excited he got more and more aroused as well. He started to thrust a little harder and to pull her hair little tighter. She moaned more and he thrust and pulled more, which caused her to moan more and him to thrust harder and pull tighter and so on (you get the picture).
It was at this point she said the hair pulling started to hurt. She started to whimper and evidently he thought she wanted more so he thrust harder and pulled tighter which by this point was pulling her head back so far that she couldn’t swallow. She was able to say, “Ouch!” at which point he stopped immediately. Being the caring partner he is he asked, “Are you okay? What’s wrong? What happened?” She explained that she was enjoying the thrusting perfectly but that the hair pulling began to hurt like hell. He apologized and said he had a hard time making out the difference between her moans and whimpers. He told her he thought to himself, “Wow, she really likes it rough! All this time I had no idea! I gotta step up my game!” They talked it out and made sure each person was okay again, had a couple laughs about the ridiculousness of the situation and proceeded to snuggle.
There is one really important aspect to this story: Communication. I like the level of communication between these two partners about this situation. Once she finally spoke up he stopped immediately. He did not continue on in spite of her pain to “finish”. Also, she was comfortable telling him what worked for her and what didn’t work. There were no accusations, or intentions to hurt the other person’s feelings, or assumptions that he meant to hurt her. He apologized and explained his actions. They were able to move forward by checking in with each other and continue showing each other love and security and physical closeness at the end (minus the sex) in snuggling.
After hearing this story, it occurred to me that it’s probably a good idea for every couple to create a safeword. It’s also important to practice using it in the off chance a situation like this might come up. What is a safeword you ask? A safeword is mutually agreed upon word that functions as a code word to tell your partner to stop if something you’re exploring becomes too intense or crosses a boundary—this may even be a boundary you didn’t even know you had. There are plenty of suggestions for safe words but some of the most clear that I’ve come across use the Traffic Light System which is “red” for stop, “yellow” for slow or caution, and “green” for go. These unambiguously communicate what the submissive (the person in the passive or receiving role of the situation) is experiencing.
There are also examples when a safe word is not a word at all. For example, when the submissive is either bound or gagged. One good example I’ve heard is the submissive holds either a rag or a ball and drops it when things get too intense. It is extremely important to note that the dominant (the person in the active or controlling role) must always be aware and paying attention for these signs. No matter what, the operative words at play here in BDSM are “Safe, Sane, and Consensual” (although there are some that prefer the term RACK – Risk Aware Consensual Kink). It is important to also note, BDSM is not always about *sex* – it could be about power, or relinquishing control, or pain, or pleasure.
(This video is a bit of a Pop Culture reference but may also be an intro for those of you that are not familiar with BDSM. There are lots of different types of play depicted in this video –> Rihanna – S&M)
All of this is really just the tip of the iceberg. One of the most fantastic places to get information about BDSM and related kink play is the Society of Janus. Their website has information, education, programs and events. There is no way I can cover all of this in this blog but if you do have further interest their website is very helpful. Click on the “For Newbies” link to start out. Another place to look for a very basic definition is this Wikipedia link about BDSM. It is no joke, should not be taken lightly but when done right, can be lots of fun and a great way to act out a fantasy or two. As for the safeword, I think finding and using one is a great idea…
even for the most vanilla couple.