Why Schedule Sex?
Do you ever wonder why couples schedule sex? I mean, when I was a younger (read: “naive”), freshly married version of me, I thought, “Are you kidding? No way. Sex should just happen naturally. Scheduling is the opposite of sexy.”
Sure, when you’re young and in that NRE (new relationship energy), you’re spending lots of time together and probably aren’t “distracted” by demands of work, family, health, etc etc… yet.
I get it: some of my new clients dislike the idea of scheduling sex too.
But here’s the thing: after years of working with couples as well as observations from my own more mature (“evolved”? lol) personal experiences, there’s a whole lot of logic behind this. Stay with me…
If you exercise, do you have to carve out time in your calendar to do it? What happens if you don’t? The exercise doesn’t happen, does it? How about with work? Family obligations? Things that are important go on my calendar or else they get forgotten. If it’s not on the calendar …it doesn’t exist. Does this happen to you?
Sex and intimacy are the same way. It’s too easy to be in the same house but in different rooms as your partner and not interact. Heck, you can be in the same room, and still, nothing happens.
Scheduling Sex is a good idea. It’s like “Me Time” but with someone else — “We Time”!!
How to Schedule Sex
What I propose here is DO NOT schedule the actual sex. Instead, DO schedule and dedicate one hour per week in your schedules to be together. Shorter if you’re busy. If you’re a go-getter (like my recently convinced clients), you might even move to a daily check-in. You can stay at home or go out somewhere – The Where isn’t super important.
Here’s the thing: The sex part may not even be on the table at first, and that’s okay. Let’s get you interacting consistently first.
I’m going to push you to put phones and all distractions away. Turn off the ringers and the notifications. You heard me – all of it. Go dark on social media. No posting selfies of you on a date or pictures of your plate. Nothing like that. Just the two of you.
The Connecting Part
If it’s awkward because you have nothing to talk about …could this be why the sex has stopped?
Subscribers to my email got a version of this blog post that includes a PDF of suggested questions to ask each other. What things did you talk about when you were dating? Maybe you could talk about what goals you are currently working toward and what help you could use from your partner.
If you’re spending more time talking and connecting, then that has the potential to open the door for your friend Sexual Desire to join you on that date. (Now there’s a threesome idea!)
Check expectations at the door
Don’t be afraid to offer a hand to hold if Touch has also been awkward. Do this compassionately. Be aware though: When touch disappears, being affectionate suddenly can bring fears. Sometimes a person is afraid that making or accepting any affectionate gesture will signal to jump their bones and they just aren’t there yet. Don’t make this assumption if Touch has been away for a while.
Lots of folks like to feel connected to their long-term partners in order to access that sexual part of themselves. Bottom line? Do NOT pressure for or expect sex to happen on the first few of these scheduled dates. Explore and be curious about where you may have lost literal touch with each other.
Next Steps –> Schedule it
Open your calendar app and ADD a task to talk to your partner about how you value them & your relationship and want to carve out some time to reconnect. Then, together, pick a time that works.
If you are already scheduling time and you’re looking for a tool that can help you “take your sex life to the next level,” I have something for you. My self-directed Sex Life Reset Mini-Course is going on sale starting Monday, October 25, 2021. Check it out here.
There will be some other goodies too. And you will have the opportunity to grab a small group coaching call. I don’t normally offer these but I’m trying it out so more people can afford to get a taste of what it’s like to work with me.
If you want 1:1 assistance, click here to start a coaching conversation.
I hope this gives you some food for thought on How to Schedule Sex. Pop a comment below to share your tips for scheduling sex.
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