Sexual Confidence: How To Ask For What You Want

Posted in   Blog, Sexual Exploration, Desires, And Kinks, The MamaSutra   on  September 8, 2023 by  The MamaSutra minutes remaining

You may be wondering: “How can I become more assertive when it comes to expressing my desires, especially in the realm of sexuality?” Well, grab a glass of your favorite beverage, plop into your comfy reading spot, and settle in for two minutes because I’ve got some sexual confidence tips to share!

1. Know What You Don’t Want

There’s plenty of advice that says for sexual confidence in the bedroom, you have to “know what you want.” Easy for some, but for many, they have no idea what that is, and even the question stresses them out! So I’d like to encourage you to get clear on what you don’t want. Not just in the bedroom but in all aspects of life. Think of it like ordering your daily coffee at Starbucks. You’re no stranger to your “extra foam, caramel drizzle, extra hot, non-fat, no whip” order, right? Why? Because you’ve learned what you don’t like over time.

Actionable Step: Take a moment to journal a few things you know you don’t want in your intimate and non-intimate experiences. This clarity will help you navigate towards what truly excites you.

2. It’s Okay Not to Know

Guess what? It’s perfectly okay not to have all the answers right from the start. Many of us, especially those socialized as women in the USA, haven’t been encouraged to be assertive about our desires. So, give yourself permission to explore and learn.

Think of it as trying a new Starbucks drink for the first time – you might not know if you’ll love it, but you’re curious, right? Approach your desires with the same curiosity and willingness to explore.

Remember, confidence in asking for what you want, sexually or otherwise, is a journey, not a destination. Besides, things can change from one timeframe to the next! So be patient with yourself, embrace the learning process, get curious, and ask questions along the way.

By focusing on what you don’t want and allowing yourself room to explore, you’ll find that sexual confidence (in or out of the bedroom) in terms of expressing your desires will grow naturally. So go ahead, embrace your inner Starbucks barista and start crafting your perfect order in the bedroom and beyond. You’ve got this!

If you’re ever in need of some one-on-one guidance or support to boost your confidence and empower yourself, I’m just a call away. Whether it’s about finding your inner confidence, exploring your desires, or a better connection to your sexuality, I’m here to help you on your journey.

Stay fabulous, my friends, and don’t forget to sprinkle a little extra confidence into every aspect of your life.


About the Author The MamaSutra

Dr. Lanae St.John is a Diplomate of the American Board of Sexology and certified sex coach with a background in sexology and a passion for helping people improve their sexual health and relationships. She is the author of "Read Me: A Parental Primer for "The Talk"" and the upcoming "You Are the One: How stopping the search and looking inside will lead you to your romantic destiny," and is committed to staying up-to-date on the latest research and trends in the field. Dr. St.John aims to share her knowledge and expertise in a relatable and approachable way through her blog on

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