Having THAT Talk with your Teen (about Sex)

Posted in   Blog, Dr. Lanae   on  June 25, 2020 by  Lanae minutes remaining

cover of a mad libs book, talk with your teens about sexA fun worksheet, guide, and questions to talk with your teen about sex

If you’ve NEVER had The Talk with your teen about sex and they’re between 16-18 years old, statistics say now is definitely time. 

My daughter and I created this “Mad Lib style” PDF to give you a light-hearted, but honest, conversation plan. You fill in the blanks. Then, once you absorb the message you want to convey, change the wording to sound more like you. It should be a conversation, not a lecture.

I wanted to avoid giving you a script because it should feel as natural as possible. This is information your teen needs to know. It’s only uncomfortable if you make it uncomfortable. Demonstrate a good conversation so that they can come to you in the future. You don’t want them to seek out other resources that don’t have their interests at heart. 

If you’re having this talk with your teens at 16, 17, 18, they will likely not have learned enough about sex/uality which is with them for their whole lives whereas the true necessity of subjects like science, math, history, etc. will depend on their career. Here is a part of the “Script”:

The Mad Lib

Hey ___(term of endearment)___, there’s something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about for ____(the past year, a while,

forever)____ but I’ve avoided it because I felt ____(emotion)____. Please be patient with me. Even right now I feel

____(emotion #2)____. Just know this: …


BONUS: This MAD LIB Style Worksheet is available as a PDF. Click here to grab one for yourself. 


A Guide

A few notes first

Listen to what they say, without judgment. Say things like, “tell me more about that.” Refrain from giving your opinion or advice. Let them speak instead of interrupting them with your thoughts. 

This conversation isn’t about you. The goal is to inform the next generation to be happy, empowered, and safe in any relationship, sexual or otherwise. Kids learn to trust you if you listen and show you care.

The following are 30+ related and relevant questions that should get you both talking and thinking.

Questions for you, the parent

Values about sex/relationships

What are your values about relationships?

When is it okay for your teens to begin having their own relationships?

What did your parents think?

How did your parents handle this topic?

How do your kids feel about dating?

What is the route you would suggest for getting to know someone?

How do you feel about hookups?

Have you ever hooked up with someone?

Relationships

How are your kids feeling in their relationship?

Are things going the way they want them to? 

What do they wish would change, if anything? 

Are they feeling coerced to do anything they don’t want to? 

Do they need any help voicing what they need in the relationship?

Consent

What do your kids understand/know about consent?

Do they know what coercion looks or sounds like?

Do you know how to discuss it with them?

Protection/STI

What do they know about various forms of birth control?

Which ones protect against pregnancy?

Which ones protect against Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs)?

Do they want to talk to a doctor to talk about the various kinds, pros & cons, and rates of effectiveness?

Are they prepared to use them?

How will they respond if a partner tells them they don’t want to use a condom?

Pregnancy

What are your values around pregnancy?

Ask what their values are about family and career?

Do they have an ideal timeline for if/when they want to have kids?

Have they thought about how that fits into their career path?

What do they need to do before that?

How can they make that happen?

Do they (do you) know other sexual behaviors that will NOT result in pregnancy?

(ADVANCED – ONLY ASK IF YOU ARE PREPARED TO LISTEN WITHOUT JUDGMENT)

“What have you wanted to ask me but were afraid to because you feared my response?”

End the conversation with, “Does this help you?”

 

We hope this conversation goes well for you two. Comment below or email me to tell me how your talk with your teen about sex went.

xxoo

Lanae (& Marcia)

About the Author Lanae

Dr. Lanae St.John is a Diplomate of the American Board of Sexology and certified sex coach with a background in sexology and a passion for helping people improve their sexual health and relationships. She is the author of "Read Me: A Parental Primer for "The Talk"" and the upcoming "You Are the One: How stopping the search and looking inside will lead you to your romantic destiny," and is committed to staying up-to-date on the latest research and trends in the field. Dr. St.John aims to share her knowledge and expertise in a relatable and approachable way through her blog on themamasutra.com.

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