Let’s take another look at Fantasy & Pleasure – NSFW

From Part 1:

Today is Lady Porn Day.  It is a blog project that encourages women to think about porn, in a world where this remains taboo, in a world where many girls still expect their first orgasm to come from someone other than themselves.

When I bring up the topic of porn to my girlfriends I get pretty much the same response from all: it’s not for me, it’s gross, not romantic, smutty, fake, objectifying women, etc. I get that. I used to think the exact same way. But as a result of my education in human sexuality I’ve come to discover a new way of thinking.  That erotic images and stories can be used for female arousal as well.  I want you to know, in case you don’t, there is porn by women for women and that these things used for fantasy and pleasure can really be a turn on.

In Part 2, I hope to point out the importance of teaching fantasy and pleasure in sex education.  That fantasy and pleasure are ok and part of a healthy adult sexuality and that “porn”, in its many forms and in spite of its cultural “taboo”, can be one component of that.

One of my girlfriends was helping me do some research for this blog. We looked at one of the typical adult video websites on the Internet where I showed her an example of female friendly porn.  I intended to see if she saw what I did in viewing this video.

We called up the female friendly category on pornhub.com. There is one video in particular – very simple – just a couple in a hot tub kissing that is very arousing. The man slowly backs the woman up against the side of the hot tub, lifts her up gently and sits her on the edge. He moves very slowly from kissing her lips, down her neck, lingering for a moment on her nipples, working his way slowly down her tummy to her clitoris. Then he proceeds to lick her from the bottom to the top very slowly, pulls away long enough to look at her and then dives back in head first for another long bottom to top lick. The whole scene takes about a minute and half and, given the right mood and setting, is a real turn on.

She watched the video but was distracted by an ad that popped up on the page that showed a picture of a woman who looked younger than her stated age.  Let me be clear: for us mothers images like this can be really disturbing and drag any conversation about adult video to some tough places. To try to reassure her, I explained some women dress up to look younger than they are.  I explained to this girlfriend, who is 40 but could easily pass for twentysomething, that she could role-play a schoolgirl fantasy if she wanted.   She told me it bothered her that men have fantasies like that.  I reminded her of a phrase she has said to me more than once, “There is no such thing as bad thoughts, only bad actions.”  I said acting out fantasies is fine when the behaviors are safe, sane, and completely consensual.  I pointed out that some women have rape fantasies but
in NO WAY does that mean they actually want to be raped by someone they do or do not know.  Having thoughts does not mean one is disturbed or sick.  Simply acknowledge the thought and move on.  If you do find something upsets you however and want to discuss it, make sure to seek out a professional who is “sex-positive”.  Like I said, healthy sex must truly be safe, sane, and consensual.

Which leads me to this: When we are young adults and even in childhood we are developing what Jack Morin in his book “The Erotic Mind” calls the Core Erotic Theme (CET).

“Your Core Erotic Theme begins its long evolution during childhood and is first sketched out in fantasies and daydreams you probably don’t remember. Because these early images almost certainly grew out of impulses and interests considered inappropriate for children, they were veiled in secrecy. Even now you probably still keep certain ultra-personal turn-ons–-those that spring from your CET–-hidden from other people and quite possibly even from yourself.”

I think many of the issues in our society today around porn have to do with a lack of education. Fantasy AND pleasure must be given attention in sex education instead of simply the fear-based, reproductive biology young people get now. Teens and young adults who view these images and adult videos in general are rarely given any context or direction from responsible, caring adults.  Without this sort of guidance our children are lost!  It’s a good thing to talk openly and honestly to our sons and daughters about sex.

Adults who think otherwise about what I think is a more enlightened approach to sex ed should take a close look at their own sexual behaviors when they were younger.  Was it better to have a lack of info from a loving source?  Was it more enlightening getting info from peers?  Did you really learn anything from the endless loop of looking up “dirty” terms in the dictionary?  Was it more beneficial to stumble into a bad situation and “deal” with it and “learn” from your mistake?  Did you prefer to be given incorrect information?  How did we feel about the info we did find?  Examine why we as parents advocate (through action or inaction) the continuation of sex ed as it stands today.  Most parents I know want to see change because they didn’t like how their own parents approached sex and sexuality.

I don’t know about you but I want my children to grow up and experience healthy (both emotionally and physically), loving sexuality. I want to do everything I can to put the foundation in place for that to happen. If that means educating myself so I can have resources available for when the time comes to have that conversation I’ll do it.  Meanwhile, I’m building an extensive network of sex positive websites, books, and other professionals that I can turn to to better help my clients and ultimately to help my own children as well.

I hope my humble insight and education can help remove some of the fear and ignorance we women have about porn in general.

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