What if my partner does “it” without me

Posted in   Blog, The MamaSutra   on  September 19, 2022 by  The MamaSutra minutes remaining
masturbation, what if my partner does it without me

Hi there,

As we wrap up Ma$turbation month, I wanted to address one of the most common issues I see: how masturbation plays into a relationship.

In this question I received, a partner asked how they should not be upset if their partner  with a lower libido masturbates without them, but they also go without sex for over a week. They ended with the sentiment I so often hear:

“I get that she has the right to do that, but it hurts when she prefers that to being with me.”

Here’s my question in response: When you have intercourse together, how often does your partner have an authentic orgasm (meaning not faked)? Can you answer this honestly?

Masturbation is almost a guaranteed orgasm, if that’s what a person is after. Partnered encounters, not so much. If you’ve been having sex and getting yourself off first and not making sure to assist as best you can for her orgasm, then it might be that she’s tired of even trying. She may have resigned to the fact that it’s no fun to be an object you get off on/in and decided masturbation is a sure thing.

It’s encouraging they inquired about this. I got the sense this partner cared enough to ask, though it was coming out in an “I’m hurt” way. That’s fair too. Perhaps the next time they want to engage sexually with their partner, they do their best to facilitate her orgasm once, maybe twice, maybe three times before they have one – if they have one at all.

If you’re facing this issue too, try to up your mental game too. Do you know how your partner is turned on? Turned on before you even undress? Does she like to be spoiled? Does she like to be told how unique and special she is to you? Does she like little gifts? What can you do to turn your partner on before the clothes come off?

No one says you can’t be upset. Own that perhaps she’s not enjoying the encounters as much as you have and do your best to balance the scales a bit. Admit that you’ve maybe not been the best person to talk to about this in the past but you’re willing to be curious and listen instead of accusing. She may appreciate the willingness to discuss. If you want some insider info on pleasure techniques to share with your partner, I created an entire guide on vibrators. That might be a great place to start.

Cheers to the person who asked this question and to anyone inquiring about this. It’s not easy, but it can actually end up enhancing the sex you do have with your partner if you’re willing to dig a little deeper.


P.S. I’m hosting a new online program CURED to help men dealing with erectile dysfunction. Get all the information in here.


About the Author The MamaSutra

Dr. Lanae St.John is a Diplomate of the American Board of Sexology and certified sex coach with a background in sexology and a passion for helping people improve their sexual health and relationships. She is the author of "Read Me: A Parental Primer for "The Talk"" and the upcoming "You Are the One: How stopping the search and looking inside will lead you to your romantic destiny," and is committed to staying up-to-date on the latest research and trends in the field. Dr. St.John aims to share her knowledge and expertise in a relatable and approachable way through her blog on themamasutra.com.

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