Let’s Get Real – Overcoming the Fear of Being ‘Too Demanding’ in Bed

Posted in   Blog, Dr. Lanae, The MamaSutra   on  October 2, 2023 by  The MamaSutra minutes remaining

Let’s dive into a topic I’ve heard from clients and students alike: a fear of being ‘too demanding’ in or out of bed. This fear must be tackled once and for all so you can celebrate your desires without any reservations.

Who Defines “Too Demanding” Anyway?

Have you ever kept quiet about expressing a need and particular desire because you were worried about being considered “demanding”? Heaven forbid we have “needs”! Who gets to define what’s “too demanding,” right? Your pleasure matters just as much as anyone else’s, and it’s time to reclaim the power of owning your desires.

Ordering Pleasure: Your Desires Are Your Own

Imagine this: you’re at a Starbucks and confidently order your favorite Triple, Venti, Soy, No Foam Latte — all the customization you want. Now, think of your intimate moments like that Starbucks visit. Your desires are your order – you should never feel guilty for expressing them exactly how you like. Embrace the freedom to ask for what you want, and know that it doesn’t make you “demanding”; it makes you empowered. 

Societal Norms: The Elephant in the Room

But let’s address the elephant in the room – societal expectations and outdated norms, often influenced by a patriarchal narrative. So many of us have been conditioned to believe that our pleasure should take a backseat and that voicing our needs might be a burden. Many of us have internalized the message that “children should be seen and not heard,” perpetuating the idea that our desires should remain silent even into adulthood. No more! This judgment weighs us down like cement boots. I want to empower you to reclaim your agency in that bedroom. You’re an adult, after all!

Dancing Like No One’s Watching

Now picture this: you’re stepping onto a dance floor at a relative’s wedding, ready to move to the music. Can you imagine dancing without worrying about what others think? Embracing your desires is like the proverbial “dancing like no one is watching.” Sounds really radical, doesn’t it? Many of us can’t move like that without some “liquid courage.” This is about letting go of the fear of being “too much” and allowing yourself to experience pleasure on your own terms.

Keys to Conquering Fear: Communication and Mindset

So, how do we conquer the fear of being “too demanding” in bed? It starts with a shift in mindset. Recognize that your desires are valid, and you can express them without hesitation. Communication is critical – having an open conversation with your partner about your needs (and if you’re listening to your partner, keep that judgment in check!) to create a space where both of you can thrive.

Your Pleasure Journey: Embracing Curiosity

Think about this: you’re exploring a new city and determined to see all the sights that interest you. Similarly, exploring your desires (both sexual and non-sexual) is about embracing your curiosity and taking charge of your pleasure journey (because pleasure can be both sexual AND non-sexual). And it’s totally okay if you find out it was a lot or something wasn’t for you. Just wanting pleasure is totally acceptable.

Final Thoughts: Honoring Yourself and Your Desires

Remember, embracing your desires isn’t about being “demanding”; it’s about honoring yourself and creating a partnership where pleasure is celebrated. You deserve a connection where your desires are cherished, your needs are respected, and joy is prioritized.

What’s Next?

Look for a subsequent post where we will talk about navigating desire when you don’t know what they are. and creating a world where what you want gets equal time. Until then, stand tall, breathe, and remember that your pleasure is a beautiful expression of your authentic self.



P.S. Rewriting rules and embracing desires can be really challenging, especially if you don’t know what they are (that’s another post). Just know I’m here to support you. Let’s discuss what pleasure and empowerment can look like for you.

About the Author The MamaSutra

Dr. Lanae St.John is a Diplomate of the American Board of Sexology and certified sex coach with a background in sexology and a passion for helping people improve their sexual health and relationships. She is the author of "Read Me: A Parental Primer for "The Talk"" and the upcoming "You Are the One: How stopping the search and looking inside will lead you to your romantic destiny," and is committed to staying up-to-date on the latest research and trends in the field. Dr. St.John aims to share her knowledge and expertise in a relatable and approachable way through her blog on themamasutra.com.

{"email":"Email address invalid","url":"Website address invalid","required":"Required field missing"}

Related Posts

Are Men God’s Gift to Women? No, the Clitoris is.
Gotta Stay “Physically Distant”? Corona-Proof your Sex Life with Sexting
A Reader Submitted Question
No Nut November: A Critical Look at the No-Fap Challenge
Learning about Sex Before Sex: 5 Building Blocks to a Healthy Sexuality.
How do I protect my kid from unwanted attention? 

Book a call now!

Ready to take your sex and relationships to the next level? Book a call with me now and learn how my coaching can help you create a life full of joy and passion. Don't wait - take the first step towards a better life today!