Working With A Sex Coach

Posted in   Blog, Dr. Lanae   on  September 16, 2022 by  Lanae minutes remaining

I’ve been in the sexuality field since 2009, working as a sex coach with clients since 2011. The things that I observe most? People want a quick fix. No, I don’t mean a “quickie” sex sesh. I mean that the types of things we google to get answers for – they’re generally pretty basic things. 

I also see sex gets the short end of the stick. Because sex is not taken seriously in many circles it doesn’t garner the respect it deserves. Sex and sexuality touch nearly every discipline in one way or another. Think about it; law, physical therapy, psychology, technology, etc, etc, It’s also the one subject we should properly learn about in schools since it is practiced by nearly everyone at some point in our lifetimes. By comparison, reciting Pi to the 50th digit or memorizing the periodic table is not so helpful. 

Folks also tend to think of sex in very simplistic ways. They think if they get the proper way to do some specific technique that THAT will fix any problems in their relationships or get them the best partner(s). Don’t believe me? Look at the headlines on the covers of magazines in the grocery checkout aisle or google search results: “How to tell if he’s good in bed”, “How do I please my lover more”, “What’s the best way to give a blow job”, “How to climax together.” They’re reactive. Tactics.

Nobody Googles “How do I develop a healthy sexuality” nor, “How do I help my kids develop healthy sexuality” even though they totally should. That’s a better question to ask. 

But is Google the best place to answer questions about sex? I don’t think so. Not for individualized responses. Good sex education is inclusive, but it’s also nuanced. One answer doesn’t necessarily fit all. Working with a sex and relationship coach (like me) can be fun because most of us love to geek out on these questions. 

Strategy is another piece of my work with clients. We zoom out and get in front of the problem. For me, sex education is a process of enlightenment – education that leads to understanding and the spread of knowledge. How does that work? If you have a leaky dam, education is the fix for the leak which repairs the dam before it breaks, thus preventing much bigger problems downstream. 

To me, this is simple problem-solving. If we want to avoid abortion, or unwanted pregnancy, or unchecked STI transmission, etc, then we make sure to give everyone accurate sexuality education taught by experts. Yes, sex-ed teachers are essential. 

The problem is, most people in public schools teaching sex ed are not really sex educators. They’re teachers given a binder and some video clips to use to teach. Gym teachers, general “science” or “health” teachers, or when I was a kid, Math teachers, too because it was taught in homeroom. I advocate that schools outsource to trained and knowledgeable sexuality educators. We exist and specialize in the subject.

Specialized instruction is important. We need to have music teachers in schools, but if we want to make progress at playing an instrument, we need private lessons. That applies to other subjects too. Sex is the same. And there is no shame getting help with sports, cooking, computers, etc. if you want to get good at something, instruction helps. Practice doesn’t necessarily help if you’re doing it wrong in the first place. So get help to learn what you should have learned in the first place. Working with a sex coach can be that individualized instruction. 

Sex itself doesn’t make us whole but knowing more about sexuality, in general, can make us feel more comfortable and self-assured.

Another piece of the pie is Mindset. Folks who understand that the tactics and the strategy are an incomplete picture are usually ready to learn more about the mindset shift that moves them to another level in their relationships.  

The way to do that is also through coaching. Sports coaches help with mindset, visualizations, and other methods to raise your performance level. Working with a sex coach like me do similar work to help you get to your goal. I give homework play assignments (hands-on and inner thought experiments) for you to work on. Some are challenging and some don’t feel like work at all. Of course, it says something to me if someone doesn’t actually do the homework as well. 

If you’re curious about working with a sex coach and how that might help to shift your attitudes about sexuality so you can experience more intimacy, connection, and freedom, click here to set up a Discovery Call. I look forward to being your guide to a whole new level of confidence in your relationships



About the Author Lanae

Dr. Lanae St.John is a Diplomate of the American Board of Sexology and certified sex coach with a background in sexology and a passion for helping people improve their sexual health and relationships. She is the author of "Read Me: A Parental Primer for "The Talk"" and the upcoming "You Are the One: How stopping the search and looking inside will lead you to your romantic destiny," and is committed to staying up-to-date on the latest research and trends in the field. Dr. St.John aims to share her knowledge and expertise in a relatable and approachable way through her blog on

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