Ok, whew. That was a lot. I feel very sorry for your son right now. You've got some apologies to do.
But first, I have a some questions for you:
Had you already talked to him about masturbation - where and when that's appropriate and any hygiene tips like keeping his hands clean and disposing of tissues or laundering towels after? Because if you haven't, now is the time.
Is your son developmentally at the age of an 11 year old? If he's not, he may not understand this behavior is unacceptable in front of other people.
What were y'all doing it when it happened ?Watching TV? Sometimes folks unconsciously fiddle with their hair, clothes, etc. when they watch TV. Your son may not have known what he was doing and was probably doing this unconsciously because it feels good.
Now, to the apologies.
Son, I'm sorry I blew up at you when you were touching yourself the other day. It took me by surprise and my reaction was to yell at you the way adults around me did to me when I was young. There is nothing wrong with you masturbating. There are a few guidelines you should learn so doing this doesn't get you in trouble with others in the future?? (see the partial list above).
You're right that it is rude and disrespectful to do that in front of other folks. This can also be a lesson about consent in that you didn't consent to see that.
But if you don't go back and mend this ASAP, then you've just heaped years worth of therapy and potential future sexual performance and relationship problems onto your poor, unassuming son.
Lanae
p.s. If you want help unlearning the attitudes and messages about sex, look for a qualified sex coach (like me).
Ok, whew. That was a lot. I feel very sorry for your son right now. You've got some apologies to do.
But first, I have a some questions for you:
Had you already talked to him about masturbation - where and when that's appropriate and any hygiene tips like keeping his hands clean and disposing of tissues or laundering towels after? Because if you haven't, now is the time.
Is your son developmentally at the age of an 11 year old? If he's not, he may not understand this behavior is unacceptable in front of other people.
What were y'all doing it when it happened ?Watching TV? Sometimes folks unconsciously fiddle with their hair, clothes, etc. when they watch TV. Your son may not have known what he was doing and was probably doing this unconsciously because it feels good.
Now, to the apologies.
Son, I'm sorry I blew up at you when you were touching yourself the other day. It took me by surprise and my reaction was to yell at you the way adults around me did to me when I was young. There is nothing wrong with you masturbating. There are a few guidelines you should learn so doing this doesn't get you in trouble with others in the future?? (see the partial list above).
You're right that it is rude and disrespectful to do that in front of other folks. This can also be a lesson about consent in that you didn't consent to see that.
But if you don't go back and mend this ASAP, then you've just heaped years worth of therapy and potential future sexual performance and relationship problems onto your poor, unassuming son.
Lanae
p.s. If you want help unlearning the attitudes and messages about sex, look for a qualified sex coach (like me).
There's a lot here I cannot address:
The circumstances around how you got together with their parent; if the child thinks you wrecked their parent's previous relationship that's gonna stick, especially if the other parent is poisoning the well.
The ages of all involved - when you say child, I picture younger than ten.
I'm not sure what behavior the child exhibits to not like you? nor exactly what you're doing to make the step child like you, but trying too hard might also be part of the problem.
That said, suck up your horrible feeling. You're the adult. They're the child. You can handle a child not liking you I'm sure. Not everyone needs to like you. That said, it's also not adult to just end the relationship with the child. How exactly would that work? Or do you mean, end the relationship with their parent? If you mean to end the relationship with the child, then I have to ask: How old are you because that sounds like some middle school sh!t to me.
Treat the child with compassion and respect. With your spouse's support, I can't help but think that eventually the child will come around.
There's a lot here I cannot address:
The circumstances around how you got together with their parent; if the child thinks you wrecked their parent's previous relationship that's gonna stick, especially if the other parent is poisoning the well.
The ages of all involved - when you say child, I picture younger than ten.
I'm not sure what behavior the child exhibits to not like you? nor exactly what you're doing to make the step child like you, but trying too hard might also be part of the problem.
That said, suck up your horrible feeling. You're the adult. They're the child. You can handle a child not liking you I'm sure. Not everyone needs to like you. That said, it's also not adult to just end the relationship with the child. How exactly would that work? Or do you mean, end the relationship with their parent? If you mean to end the relationship with the child, then I have to ask: How old are you because that sounds like some middle school sh!t to me.
Treat the child with compassion and respect. With your spouse's support, I can't help but think that eventually the child will come around.
Thank you for the A2A
No. Not ,dumb to want to be married first. Traditional, yes. And that's okay. If someone gives you shit for it, they're not your person.
Thank you for the A2A
No. Not ,dumb to want to be married first. Traditional, yes. And that's okay. If someone gives you shit for it, they're not your person.
Newborns, And you're not the parent? No.
Why would you want to kiss someone else's infant?
An older baby? Maybe if you're a relative and the parents are okay with it but this depends upon the customs of the parent. Also, provided you are not sick in any way, and the baby's parent approves, infants are wonderful to give tiny, loving pecks to those adorable cheeks and toes. But not on the mouth. Kinda weird.
But also consider these as early lessons in consent.
Newborns, And you're not the parent? No.
Why would you want to kiss someone else's infant?
An older baby? Maybe if you're a relative and the parents are okay with it but this depends upon the customs of the parent. Also, provided you are not sick in any way, and the baby's parent approves, infants are wonderful to give tiny, loving pecks to those adorable cheeks and toes. But not on the mouth. Kinda weird.
But also consider these as early lessons in consent.
Can the two of you see a couples counselor? Sounds like you need help getting to the bottom of his anger and rude attitude.
As I read this again, it sounds like you're not married. Did you ask for the divorce? Or reject him in some way? It sounds like he's really mad at you.
Can the two of you see a couples counselor? Sounds like you need help getting to the bottom of his anger and rude attitude.
As I read this again, it sounds like you're not married. Did you ask for the divorce? Or reject him in some way? It sounds like he's really mad at you.
Are these strangers doctors? If not, their opinions and disapproving comments are unwelcome and worthless.
Ignore. Forgive. Delete. Move on your merry way.
Are these strangers doctors? If not, their opinions and disapproving comments are unwelcome and worthless.
Ignore. Forgive. Delete. Move on your merry way.
I know it might be scary, especially if your pediatrician is recommending you go to a specialist, but try not to worry too much. It's possible she is just an early menstruator.
There are kids as young as 8 who get their periods. How old were you when you got yours?
Unless this bleeding is actually due to an injury (or heaven forbid, abuse), you don't need to worry. Just give her these things:
love and support she needs,
reassure her that she is fine (some kids think they're dying!),
Tell her that ~10% of kids who have a uterus get theirs around this age too,
Teach her to track her cycle so she can be prepared for it next month,
Give her information about pads, tampons, silicone menstrual cups, and reusable underwear so she knows how to handle it again when it happens,
And Show her the art of getting blood stains out of her underwear.
Menstruation is a fact of life for folks who have a uterus. She just has to learn a little earlier than some others.
Maybe shift the perspective and get her a little Red Velvet Cupcake and celebrate her step into puberty. Celebrate her!
Edited to add: I actually did this celebration with my kids. We had the plan for a while: Happy Dot Day!
Lanae
I know it might be scary, especially if your pediatrician is recommending you go to a specialist, but try not to worry too much. It's possible she is just an early menstruator.
There are kids as young as 8 who get their periods. How old were you when you got yours?
Unless this bleeding is actually due to an injury (or heaven forbid, abuse), you don't need to worry. Just give her these things:
love and support she needs,
reassure her that she is fine (some kids think they're dying!),
Tell her that ~10% of kids who have a uterus get theirs around this age too,
Teach her to track her cycle so she can be prepared for it next month,
Give her information about pads, tampons, silicone menstrual cups, and reusable underwear so she knows how to handle it again when it happens,
And Show her the art of getting blood stains out of her underwear.
Menstruation is a fact of life for folks who have a uterus. She just has to learn a little earlier than some others.
Maybe shift the perspective and get her a little Red Velvet Cupcake and celebrate her step into puberty. Celebrate her!
Edited to add: I actually did this celebration with my kids. We had the plan for a while: Happy Dot Day!
Lanae
She may be younger and prettier but I'm sure at your core you're pretty awesome too. He married you in the first place.
What I hear in the question is insecurity and pain. That insecurity eats away at you. And it doesn't do you any good. If you try to get to know her and I'm guessing you'll see she's no you.
That hurt that the kids like her - is it coming from a thought that they're gonna like her better than you? Your kids are always going to love you and have a special place in their heart for you. If you've raised them right, just because someone is younger and prettier? probably isn't the reason why they like her.
The only reason to limit the kids being around her is if sh's hurting them. Doesn't sound like that's the case so deciding to do so makes you seem bitter. Decide instead to have more fun with your kids yourself when they're with you. Now you don't have to spend time taking care of hubby; spend that time on yourself and the kids.
Try to focus on the positive you're getting out of this. A whole new lease on life and an opportunity to find love again (this time with a grown ass adult perspective. I'm very glad for the partner I have now second time around).
She may be younger and prettier but I'm sure at your core you're pretty awesome too. He married you in the first place.
What I hear in the question is insecurity and pain. That insecurity eats away at you. And it doesn't do you any good. If you try to get to know her and I'm guessing you'll see she's no you.
That hurt that the kids like her - is it coming from a thought that they're gonna like her better than you? Your kids are always going to love you and have a special place in their heart for you. If you've raised them right, just because someone is younger and prettier? probably isn't the reason why they like her.
The only reason to limit the kids being around her is if sh's hurting them. Doesn't sound like that's the case so deciding to do so makes you seem bitter. Decide instead to have more fun with your kids yourself when they're with you. Now you don't have to spend time taking care of hubby; spend that time on yourself and the kids.
Try to focus on the positive you're getting out of this. A whole new lease on life and an opportunity to find love again (this time with a grown ass adult perspective. I'm very glad for the partner I have now second time around).
Furious?? That sounds like kind of a funny reaction if you ask me. To be furious sounds like you're making this about you.
Why don't you check in to see how he feels? Was it his decision? Was it what he wanted? How does he feel about the experience now? No one is old enough to consent to sexual activity at age 10 and most countries have age of consent laws to protect children from unwanted sexual attention. You didn't mention how old he is now; does he want to do it again?
Focus on your nephew and making sure he is doing okay.
I understand your anger but it doesn't help him. Try talking to a therapist about why your reaction was to be furious and what you can do with that energy to maybe help someone else in the future.
Furious?? That sounds like kind of a funny reaction if you ask me. To be furious sounds like you're making this about you.
Why don't you check in to see how he feels? Was it his decision? Was it what he wanted? How does he feel about the experience now? No one is old enough to consent to sexual activity at age 10 and most countries have age of consent laws to protect children from unwanted sexual attention. You didn't mention how old he is now; does he want to do it again?
Focus on your nephew and making sure he is doing okay.
I understand your anger but it doesn't help him. Try talking to a therapist about why your reaction was to be furious and what you can do with that energy to maybe help someone else in the future.
Thank you for the A2A
I need more clarity. Which parent? My childhood home? Whose spouse?
Please edit the question.
Thank you for the A2A
I need more clarity. Which parent? My childhood home? Whose spouse?
Please edit the question.