How I Wish Everyone Knew About Porn and Healthy Relationships

Posted in   Blog, The MamaSutra   on  June 16, 2020 by  Lanae minutes remaining

How I wish everyone knew about porn and healthy relationships. I talked to Forbes magazine and the writer who interviewed me wondered what my thoughts were on P*rnhub’s new service.

I think sharing porn fantasies and viewing habits can be healthy for intimate relationships if the folks in the relationship understand the role porn can play and can suspend immediate judgment and knee jerk emotional reactions.

I think we can all agree  – Porn is controversial. 

In my opinion, there’s good and bad stuff out there. I don’t think it’s all bad. If you disagree, you do you. I’m not gonna try to change your mind. There’s plenty of information out there to support any number of opinions. 

I will say this

Before I went back to school to study sexuality, I used to turn my nose up at porn and think it was all misogynistic trash. I educated myself to understand how people “use”  it, found erotica that was my taste, and found female and non-binary directors who had a take more aligned with what I liked. 

I even discovered that some gay porn was a turn on for me.

That surprised me. Thankfully, my partner doesn’t judge me for what I like. And I don’t judge him either.

So when it comes to couples sharing their fantasies and viewing habits, it will be a hands-down disaster for a couple if one partner wants to: 

  1. control *if* their partner looks at porn
  2. control how often they look at porn
  3. get upset by their partner’s turn-ons (like my gay porn example above, regardless of orientation).
  4. assume porn use is pathological or deviant
  5. keep their viewing habits hidden from their partner
  6. think their partner should only fantasize about them.

In contrast, a couple who can communicate through tough topics – not just sex stuff – sharing porn fantasies can be a great thing. It takes WORK before some people can get there. The key is to get curious instead of judgmental. 

Ok, so here’s a scenario. 

Let’s say your partner tells you they’re interested in Sploshing videos. Here are two examples of a response:

Good response:  Bad response:
Tell me more about this.”  Ew, WTF is WRONG with you? That’s f*cked up. Why would anyone like that?”  
Listening with curiosity is a nice way to start a conversation.  That is going to SHUT your partner down SO FAST. They’ll probably keep watching but won’t tell you about it.

(If you don’t know what sploshing is, be careful googling it. And once you do, don’t yuk somebody else’s yum.)

Click here for a freebie

If your hang-up is about what the people in porn look like, that’s worth a conversation. 

Anyone (male, female, or gender non-binary) can feel a little insecure thinking they somehow don’t measure up to the images their partner enjoys… hell, no one looks as good as a photoshopped image. A buff torso might make a person with a “Dad bod” feel self-conscious just as much as huge boobs might make a person with saggy breasts feel inadequate. Share how you feel with your partner. You may find the things you don’t like about yourself are things your partner adores. Won’t know until you talk about it though. If you can share appreciation for each other as you are now, that’s brilliant. 

Realizing that your partner’s fantasy isn’t always centered around you can be humbling too.

Just soak in the fact that your partner is likely THRILLED to have you naked there with them and play along with whatever fantasy turns you and your partner on. Then get ready for them to do the same for you!

Here’s the challenge I am aware of: talking about this is hard if you grew up hearing porn is all bad. Wish everyone knew and Porn and Healthy Relationships. You can get help to unlearn this though. If you would like to expand your thinking a bit, consider looking for a sex coach to help you. Click here and we can do a short discovery call to see if we are a fit to work together.

There’s a lot more I can say about this, but I’ll stop here.

If you want to read more of my thoughts on porn, click here to go to my website

We all have fantasies to some extent. Porn appeals to some but not others and that’s okay. Sharing fantasies and what we like to watch can be a game-changer. Trying to understand, instead of judge, can make all the difference. 

With pleasure,

Lanae

P.s., I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Did any of this resonate with you? Drop me a note in the comments below or send me an email with your questions. I’m excited to hear from you.

**(not a thing. ) 

About the Author Lanae

Dr. Lanae St.John is a Diplomate of the American Board of Sexology and certified sex coach with a background in sexology and a passion for helping people improve their sexual health and relationships. She is the author of "Read Me: A Parental Primer for "The Talk"" and the upcoming "You Are the One: How stopping the search and looking inside will lead you to your romantic destiny," and is committed to staying up-to-date on the latest research and trends in the field. Dr. St.John aims to share her knowledge and expertise in a relatable and approachable way through her blog on themamasutra.com.

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